The Perfect Vagina

The perfect vagina from heather leach on Vimeo.

Remember a few years ago when it seemed like everyone and their mom was getting a bikini wax? I thought it was weird that the current standard of beauty for women's genitals is apparently to look as prepubescent as possible. I still think that's weird. Clearly I don't watch enough porn.*

Anyway, so on Mormon Therapist the other day I found a link to this documentary which details an even disturbinger new trend: VAGINA PLASTIC SURGERY.

I repeat: PLASTIC SURGERY FOR YOUR VAGINA.**

And in this case we're not talking about women with birth defects or harrowing trauma from a vaginal birth gone wrong, or a Frida Kahlo-esque freak accident. We're talking about women who feel insecure enough about the size or shape of their clitoral hood or labia minora to be willing to be PAY TO HAVE SOMEONE TO CHOP IT OFF.

This is not cool, you guys.

This documentary has some graphic imagery, but if you can handle it, please watch it. It has a pretty empowering message. Also, British slang.

*or any porn. Let's be honest.

**specifically, surgery on the clitoris and labia, not on the vagina itself. I am keeping with lexical trends in using the word "vagina" to mean "the female genital area."

P.S. I am pretty excited to see what google searchers will be directed to my blog because of this site. VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA.

You might think I am joking, but I am SO NOT.

Meat Loaf is the gatekeeper to all things awesome.

This post has been percolating in my mind for the past few weeks, but when Kelsy posted an eerily similar post about the magic of Steve Buscemi, I knew it was time for action. It is beautiful to have the kind of friends who can shout with me, with a glorious mixture of shock and joy, "SO-AND-SO IS IN THIS?!?"

Here is the thing. If Meat Loaf is in a movie, it is either awesome to begin with or it becomes awesome because he is in it. Let's start with the most obvious example.

Robert Paulson in Fight Club.

Not only was this an amazing film, Meat Loaf rocked this particular character by playing him with both affection and a lack of vanity. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, this movie is actually a little bit better than the book, and the book was pretty good.

If you know me, you know this is the highest compliment I can give a film.

Eddie in the Rocky Horror Picture Show

I went to one of those midnight showings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show about a year ago with some friends, which provided me with enough material for the rest of my blogging life, should I ever choose to share it. One of the nice details of the much-celebrated "audience participation" bit was when Meat Loaf's character is (spoiler alert!) revealed to be dead, everyone in the audience chants in unison, "His name was Robert Paulson, his name was Robert Paulson."

Get it?

The song that Eddie performs in this movie sounds exactly like every Meat Loaf song, ever, which doesn't say much for his artistic range, but does say a lot for the credo, "find something that works for you and do it over and over."

Speaking of this credo, Meat Loaf likes to drive buses.

Hoover in Leap of Faith

Even harnessing the power of the Internet, it was hard to find a photo of this role ... I think the film is out of print? But IMDB had one, albeit untagged. Can you find Meat Loaf in this photo?

You found him! Yay!

Have you seen this movie? It's pretty charming. Manages to poke fun at religion without being entirely cynical. Meat Loaf plays the (inexplicably named) bus driver/keyboard player Hoover. He's by no means a central character, but he is a great ensemble member. Note: Steve Martin was way better when he was playing lovable idiots and jerks, not dads.

Dennis in Spice World

Why yes, I watched this movie again on Netflix in order to get

a screenshot of this role. And I was happy to do it.

OK, before you scoff at the fact that I have even SEEN this movie, I ask you, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOVIE? It is awesome. Hilarious. You don't even have to be a Spice Girls fan to enjoy it (but it's cool 'cause I am one).

Still not convinced? What about this?

Tiny in Wayne's World

Thanks Nostomanic for the perfect prelabeled picture.

Also thanks to Google Image Search for leading me to it.

I repeat. Meat Loaf has a brief cameo in Wayne's World, one of the best things to come out of the 90s.

Quod erat demonstrandum.

Make my day.

I love film. I also love movies. I love both, but I have a hard time with film festivals. I love to see new, creative film projects that often deserve more accolades than they ever receive, but I hate having to navigate my way through all of the terrible pieces of filth that they show at film festivals. And it's not because I'm a prude, because if you know me you know I'm not. However, I have noticed that a lot of independent filmmakers seem to think that in order to stand out in such a competitive industry, they have to include gratuitous violence, maybe because gratuitous violence sticks in people's memories? I don't know if that's why they do it, but I do know that it bothers me.

At Bumbershoot on Monday, Cassie and I attended two short film festivals: one intended for families, the other featuring short film by local filmmakers that were intended for adults. At the latter event, the final of the four films was honestly one of the most disturbing short films I have ever seen, and I am pretty open when it comes to what films I will try (I don't avoid films because they have a certain rating, for example). I think maybe the violence was supposed to be funny (It featured an old man getting shot in the eye, a pregnant woman getting shot in the stomach, and three other people getting shot in equally gruesome places) but it made me sick to my stomach. I don't understand why someone would feel inspired to make a film like that. It didn't make any point about violence or crime, it didn't make me think, all it did was make me sad. Like The Jungle in short film form, although that was created with a purpose in mind, so perhaps that's a poor analogy.

I know I must sound very puritanical and uppity right now, but it's film like the one we saw that make me not want to go to film festivals. You just never know when you'll wind up watching violence that's pretty much pornographic--created with no purpose beyond hitting you in the stomach.

That being said, the family film festival had several really charming pieces of film that I am sharing with you now. One is embed-able (?) the other is not. But please watch both of them because they are well-done and deserve whatever attention my measly blog readership would garner them.

This one is really funny, reminds me of something Pixar would do.

Click here to watch the other, which is simple and adorable and just really great.

Did these films just make your day? I'll bet they did.

In which I prove something definitively.

David and I have an ongoing debate that will likely never be resolved. The debate is thus: which of Christopher Nolan's movies is better, the Dark Knight or Inception? I vehemently argue for the former, my brother for the latter.

This might make me some enemies in the online world, but frankly, I do not care. I liked Inception, but I did not find it the mind-blowing experience many other people did. I predicted the ending when I read a review of Inception on Slate--which isn't to say that I'm especially smart, just that the ending was that predictable.

Also, I am getting sick and tired of Leonardo DiCaprio's furrowed brows. He is going to look eighty years old in a few months.

Conversely, the Dark Knight is not only comic book-licious, it has Heath Ledger in the role of a lifetime. Also, Christian Bale in button-down shirts. Some actual surprises. And characters who are actually memorable instead of just "Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a vest" and "the girl from Juno playing a student of architecture."

To indicate how precisely my thumb rests on the pulse of American film, I found this email that I sent to Bob in February when I was sick. I have no memory of this dream or of writing him this email, so I must have been REALLY sick.

"Today I went to sleep and I had this CRAZY dream in which I had CRAZY dreams and worried that I was maybe CRAZY (in the meta-dream). Then I woke up five hours later and Facebook was different and my fever had broken. Maybe I am better now??????"

So basically, I and everybody else already knew Inception existed before it did. Ergo, Dark Knight is better. Now all I have to do is show this to my brother.

Also, this is a cool song about a dream. I have dreams about my future children as well. (I assume that is who they are.)

These are my 10 favorite movies.

Fact: I have been working on this list since March. I was going to add a critical analysis of each movie explaining why it is good but the truth is, I don't have to explain anything to you. These are my ten favorite movies, and that's that.

1. Drop Dead Fred

This child was me. High voice? Check. Vivid imagination that got me into trouble? Check. Issues? Check.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I have pretty much turned into the adult version of Elizabeth as well ... before her cool transformation. I suppose now would be as good a time as any to become hot and confident, though, right? What do you think?

1. Harold and Maude

When I become old, my goal is to be EXACTLY like Maude.

Also, this movie has the best and most subtle comic timing in the history of comic timing.

1. Little Miss Sunshine

I like movies about families.

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I like movies about people falling in love. That are not cheesy.

Also, you know that scene where Jim Carrey tells Kate Winslet that she's not ugly? That scene is my favorite scene in movie history. I tried to find it but alas, I could not. Go watch it.

1. Love Actually

I like movies where people's lives overlap in interesting ways. Especially British people.

1. New York Doll

I like movies that touch on the subject of religion without slipping into cliches.

Fact: this is the best Mormon movie ever made.

1. X-men

OMG I LOVE COMIC BOOKS. And Hugh Jackman. And Patrick Stewart.

1. When Harry Met Sally

I really like movies about friends who fall in love. Unfortunately.

1. Star Trek

I want to marry this movie. I just love Sci-Fi so, so much.

1. Return to Me

On the other hand, though, sometimes I just want to watch a girly movie with babies and romance and nuns and old people.

1. Beauty and the Beast

All nerdy girls love this movie. Belle is OUR Disney princess.

If you disagree with me about these movies, know that I am extremely on edge this week and may scream at you. That is all.

I Can't Believe I Haven't Blogged About X, Day 7: My Butt

Perhaps the fact that I have yet to blog about this until today is not so shocking? Oh, well.

When I die, assuming I do not outlive my good friend Ashley, she plans to eulogize me as follows:

"Elisa had a gigantic rack, and no butt."

Then she will sit down and people will wonder if they are being punk'd. I love the idea of my last concrete influence on earth being a surreal experience. I like to make life a little bit surreal every day as it is. Which is why I gave this eulogy the green light when Ashley and I were serving as missionaries together in Pécs.

She's right, unfortunately. I am overall a curvaceous person, but my butt is embarrassingly flat. This breaks my heart a little bit every day. This is also the reason why I don't wear pants very often.

Sadly, the only way to obtain a more voluptuous backside involves gaining weight, and I certainly don't want to do that.

I am resigned to a life of never fully enjoying the following songs (NSFW):

This one is by far the best video.

Luckily, I can still enjoy this because it makes no reference to size. Good thing, because this one of the best movies of all time.

I Can't Believe I Haven't Blogged About X, Day 2: Science Fiction

This may shock you, because it kinda shocked me, but I have NEVER WRITTEN ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE FICTION ON MY BLOG. This is one of those massive, embarrassing oversights that needs to be corrected, STAT. It's true, I have mentioned offhand my love of Star Wars and Star Trek a couple times, but, much like my ode to sandwiches yesterday, which I hope you all enjoyed (And thanks for the recipe, Aims!) I have not yet given my love of science fiction its due. So, here it is.

I love any movie or television series that is set in space. Or any movie that centers around science fiction, however remotely. You know Hugh Dancy's character in The Jane Austen Book Club? Pretty much my dream dude.

My family didn't have a lot of traditions when I was growing up. At least, not ones that I can remember. However, one weekly tradition that I still recall with fondness was sitting together in our living room and watching Star Trek: the Next Generation every week. My parents got the off-white couch that was actually a hide-a-bed (which was so heavy that we cursed its existence every time we moved ... which was often) and I got the green bean bag chair which was filled with ACTUAL BEANS. Around season five of the show, the beans started leaking out and driving my mother crazy. She took to vacuuming during the closing theme each week.

Non-believers will mock me for saying this, but Star Trek really does have something for everyone. In any given episode of TNG, there was usually a romantic/human interest subplot and an action/adventure subplot. There would be moments of humor and tenderness and tension all packed into one glorious hour. My dad is very much a heavy-handed crime show/sci-fi kind of guy, whereas my mom leans much more towards light-hearted mystery novels and romantic comedies. At the time, I was like six and enjoyed anything with interesting-looking people that I could pretend to be on the playground. We all thoroughly enjoyed Star Trek. It was a really, really good show.

I never watched Star Trek: the Original Series, but I watched Next Generation and Voyager faithfully. My parents were really into Deep Space Nine, but when that show was on the air I was too immature to understand the slightly more mature thematic elements that characterized DS9, and was thus easily bored by it. By the time Enterprise came along, I was living on my own without a television. I would say that my love of Star Trek lay dormant for many years, for although I watched the one season I had of it on DVD when no one else was home (until an insane klepto roommate made off with it a few years ago) I never really admitted to liking Star Trek in public. Then, one day, I saw this preview at the Cinemark 16 in Provo, Utah and I very nearly pissed my pants with excitement. J.J. Abrams, I may not love all you do, man (*cough cough LOST cough cough*) but thank you, good sir, for making Star Trek sexy again. Assuming it ever was.

The truth is, I have always really loved and admired the Star Trek universe, and by extension all Science Fiction universes, even though some of its most ardent devotees are admittedly kinda crazy. My dad made me watch Star Wars on a fairly regular basis as a child because he felt I was too "full of passion" (probably true) and needed to be reminded of the danger of succumbing to pure emotions such as anger. He also made me meditate all the time. I wish I were joking. Perhaps this tainted my fond memories of Star Wars with a little bit of daddy issues, but I still really enjoy the movies, so don't worry. I plan to continue the Thanksgiving tradition I totally stole from my Provo family (specifically Ekitzel) of watching all three Star Wars movies after Thanksgiving dinner (the original theatrical versions, for crying out loud). Future husband, you have been warned.

I think the reason why Star Trek appeals to me slightly more than Star Wars is that it is more orderly and humane, and thus a lot less realistic. Everything in the Star Trek world is clean and generally peaceful, and even when people die, there isn't any blood. That was the kind of life I craved during my topsy turvy childhood. Star Wars is messy and scuffed and people are just as complex and greedy as they are in real life. It was still escapist, mind you, but slightly less so. In the Star Trek future they don't even have money! It's a liberal dreamland!

Oh, my gosh. Is Star Trek the reason I became a Socialist?

Star Trek is the future I wish for, even though Star Wars is the future we are more likely to get.

CELEBRITY CRUSHES

After such a heavy post earlier this week, I thought I would lighten things up a bit, in an effort to bring some balance to the Universe. You're welcome. Also, I am very excited to announce that, after a lengthy stint at the top, "Man sucking boobs milk video" has FINALLY ceased to become my number one search term on Google Analytics. This is a happy day. It dropped all the way to number four, even. This really is excellent news.

I have no idea how that search leads to my blog, so don't ask.

Anyway, so last night I was at the temple, minding my own business, and a very nice and presumably well-meaning woman came up to me and said, "You have such a pretty dress! Is that your WEDDING dress?"

Here's a Multiple Choice Question. Did I:

A. Burst into tears.

B. Punch her in the face.

C. Both A and B.

D. Smile politely and respond with something I forget what I said exactly, but it wasn't bitter or mean.

The answer is, of course, D. Raise your hand if you're proud of me.

Thank you, thank you.

I got to thinking, though, that not being in a relationship is actually pretty fabulous for lots of reasons, one being that I can listen to this song and it's kinda like a double entendre and two, CELEBRITY CRUSHES!!!!!

I always feel guilty lusting after other men whilst concurrently lusting after a real live man with flaws, especially when he is in the same room or theater with me. But if all I got is imaginary crushes, less stress for me! I have got it made.

Here are some famous people that I have crushes on. This is just a small sampling and is by no means exhaustive.

I would TOTS have sex with Christopher Walken mostly because of this music video. He is smart, funny, mysterious, and can dance. Also, he is from Queens. WIN. I know a lot of people think he has a scary face, but sometimes scary is sexy. Also, I am attracted to his mind, you shallow, shallow jerk.

According to IMDB.com, he has been married to the same woman since 1969, which is both awesome and not good, depending on how seriously I start taking this celebrity crush. Also, I found out just now that he is older than my mom. I don't care.

First of all, hi, Batman. Christian Bale was THE BEST Batman. Better than Michael Keaton, better than Val Kilmer, and CERTAINLY better than George Clooney. I mean, really. I love comic books and I would say I love Batman equally as much as X-men, slightly more than Spiderman and significantly more than Superman, especially after the latest Superman movie, which I hated. My point is, Christian Bale as Batman is really really great.

Also, hi, NEWSIES. Watching Newsies was one of the first times I realized I was attracted to men. Newsies was for most girls my age what Leia's brass bikini in Return of the Jedi was for lots of little boys. If you catch my meaning.

And finally, Rescue Dawn. He's actually not that hot in that movie. But it's a really IMPORTANT movie, and I respect him for being in it, especially since he lost so much weight for the role and I think ate a real snake too. That's badass. It might even make up for the fact that he drinks way, way too much alcohol and is reportedly kind of a douche. NEVER STOPPED ME FROM LOVING SOMEONE BEFORE.

If you think I am talking about you right now, I am not.

Lastly, Alan Rickman. I might only love him because Sense and Sensibility is such a great film, in my opinion better than Pride and Prejudice, or it could be because he was in Galaxy Quest and that movie is really hilarious.

Clearly, I have a thing for deep voices. Don't even get me started on how I feel about Eddie Vedder.

Here is a representative quote which proves I also love Mr. Rickman for his mind:

"I do feel more myself in America. I can regress there, and they have roller-coaster parks."

Oh Alan I would ride a roller-coaster with you ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. Even though IMDB just informed me that you are, in fact, the same age as my mom. I can forgive you for that, as well as for cheating on Emma Thompson in Love Actually.

Oh my gosh, I almost forgot about Die Hard. I love that movie.

Moms.

Have you heard of StoryCorps? I had heard of them but wasn't really aware of what they did until someone passed along to me this video, which started out as a story on NPR until StoryCorps animated it.

Q&A from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

It's a great interview. I love moms.

I have a lucky number.

I keep waking up at eight in the morning even if I slept very little the previous night.

Last night I was so out of it I asked my friend Bob the same question eight times. We were preparing to watch the Tick and for some reason I was really confused about whether it was a movie or a TV show.

Me: Wait. Is this a movie?

Bob: No. It's a TV show.

Me: Right. OK.

Repeat five (eight?) minutes later. He only got a little impatient, bless him.

Also, in the past two days I have lost eight pounds.

Do you love that I am such a PUPPET NERD that I recognize all the voices in this video?

Also, this has nothing to do with the number 8, but today is STAR WARS DAY and thus everyone should definitely watch The Empire Strikes Back at least once. Quick! You only have eight minutes left!!

I don't think it's called "retweeting" outside of twitter.

Which I don't use. Twitter, I mean. Well, I have an account, but only so I can read the inappropriate, cruel and hilarious one-liners of one Robbie X Pierce on my cellular telephone.

The point is, I have been listening to this song over and over like a crazy person since Friday or so, and credit for this (the song, not the crazy) should be given to David X Bisson. My life would suck without that guy.

Also, the video is pretty cool and references lots of genres I really like.

We can hold onto love like invisible strings.

I just watched this movie with David and Christina. It's such a great, timeless little film.

I sometimes forget about this song, which I think is one of the best songs to have been associated with the Muppets, though perhaps it is one of the more overlooked ones. It is better than The Rainbow Connection.

Oddly, I think this song sums up quite effectively how I feel about God, and love.

There's not a word yet for old friends who've just met.
Part heaven, part space, or have I found my place?
You can just visit, but I plan to stay.
I'm going to go back there someday.

This song makes me ache, a little bit.

I'm so bad I scare myself.

Fact: vintage celebrities are cooler than almost all modern female celebrities.

I just love this poster so much.

She, too, is an original badass. I stand all amazed.

This Morning.

This morning I woke up with this song inexplicably in my head.

Such a catchy theme song, yes? Such a funny show. I don't know what it means that it came to my head this morning, though. A sign? Should I go to Philadelphia? Visit some extended relatives? Should I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?

Also, I've been thinking about this little lady.

Kathryn Bigelow is TOTS bad-ass. Also, I like to think of her Oscar victory as vindication for spurned women everywhere. Her ex-husband made a movie with more time, more money, more resources and STILL lost out to her. She didn't even rub it in his face, either. A triumph, overall. If it were me I think I would have been more like "SUCK ITTTTTTT."

My car is getting valuated tomorrow by Ryan. Keep your fingers crossed that he cuts me a decent deal and I don't have to end up driving one of these. I hear they explode in the event of a rear end collision. Though I suppose that would be not without its motivational benefits. I'm Captain Safety from here on out either way, guys.

Things to make your day, dear friends.

Dedicated at least in part to Austin, who is extraordinary.

This is one of my favorite movie moments ever.




Also, this. I wish real life were more like this.




However, if I were to sing a song while walking somewhere, it would almost certainly be this one, with Mr. Arnstein's name possibly changed.



And mostly because I love Christopher Walken oh-so-much, this is another thing I love.



And finally, if my future husband isn't cool with our making something EXACTLY like this (except with a different song), starring all our friends and relatives, the wedding is off.



It's quite possible I will never get married, for this and other reasons. But when I start to feel depressed about that, I just think of Judy Garland, my hero.

No, seriously, she and I are practically the same person. Personality, mannerisms, body issues, we share it all.

(Barbra Streisand is also in this but I don't really feel a special connection to her)



A lot of people would consider identifying with Hollywood's original drug headliner a bad thing, but I just own it.



David, this is film uno of the tap dancing movies that will change your life. Also, you don't comment on my blog like you used to. I miss it.

Have a great weekend everybody! I am going to Portland and am going to eat here.

The Lovely Bones

Alice Sebold's novel The Lovely Bones, the first time I read it, was one of those books that I forced upon the nearest person (my father, in this case) after I finished it so that I could have someone with whom to discuss it. I wasn't sure if my father, notorious for his humorless religiosity, would necessarily jive with the open-ended vision of the Afterlife that Sebold laid out in her best-seller, but I figured it was worth a shot. After all, the Heaven she wrote about wasn't by definition Godless, or overtly wrong in any sense. It was just different for every person. In an abstract way, almost anyone can get behind that concept. At least I'd like to think so.

Anyway, I'm a big fan of the novel. I know some people who couldn't get past the first few chapters, in which the main characters recounts her own rape and murder--it's sad and troubling and suspenseful and everything you would expect to find in a film, not a novel. Which is why I wasn't surprised that the book was made into a film, although I was very surprised to see Peter Jackson direct it. I haven't seen Heavenly Creatures (Should I?) and I had no idea Jackson was interested in humans, frankly.

Tonight I saw the movie with my father. The murder scene was blessedly subtle and short--no gore, no rape, no sound effects of fruit being thrown onto cement floors. I think that might have ruined the movie for me. There were some corpse scenes that I could have lived without, but overall nothing too nightmarish. I would let my children over the age of thirteen see it.

There were some things that were cut from the original story that I missed. Franny, Susie's counselor in Heaven, was unsuccessfully melded with the best friend character, whose story tied up way too neatly and who had some of the worst, striving-for-ethereal-but-stopping-at-silly lines. Sam and Lindsey's relationship, which was a fundamental part of the novel's plot, was reduced to two afterthought scenes. The grandmother became comic relief instead of a real character. However, Susie's descriptions of Heaven and the establishment of her relationship with her family were excellent. The Heaven managed to look idealized, like a calendar, without becoming so image-heavy that you got overwhelmed (Like in What Dreams May Come). The movie is only two hours, which is short for a Jackson film, and he manages to lose track of some of the characters are various points in the film. But overall, it was a pretty good movie. It was heartwrenching and sad and interesting and Stanley Tucci is HOLY CRAP SO SCARY BEST VILLAIN EVER. He has managed to make me develop a new fear of quiet bachelors with aviators and a comb-over. Possibly for the rest of my life. He was amazingly creepy.

They managed to add a few plot points to make the story a little more accessible without completely destroying the story. I could have done without the flashlight scene, but I can forgive it. Also, to those of you who have read the book: they change the icicle part. But it still works.

One more thing. The two best actors in the film were Susie (played by Saoirse "I have a friggin' AMAZING name" Ronan) and Lindsey (played by Rose McIver). They are both beautiful, poised, intelligent-looking girls and every scene that either of them is in is excellent. The most exciting scene by far was when Lindsey breaks into Mr. Harvey's house, and the most romantic (in the film--unfortunately a lot of my favorite romantic scenes from the book were cut) was one of the final scenes with Susie and Ray. I also loved how Rose McIver was so healthy-looking. She looks like a mid-nineties Kate Winslet. I hope she stays that way, but of course she won't if she wants to keep working. Damn you, Hollywood.

Yeah, so I'm blogging about Twilight. What're you gonna do about it?

Not read this, if all you're planning to do is make fun of me.

You will recall that although I usually have exceptionally good taste in film, if I say so myself, I very much enjoyed the previous Twilight installment on the silver screen. I stand by this review today. It made me giggle with pleasure. I just got back from Part Two, my favorite of the two books I've read, and no surprise, I clapped my hands with glee at from the over-the-top opening titles to the JOKE of an ending. Pure pulpy saccharine delight. Good times, I tell you.

For full disclosure's sake, I have read the first two books all the way through, and a while ago I also skimmed through my roommate's copy of Book 4 and read the sex parts. They were boring.

Here is my beef about Twilight. Well, besides the fact that it perpetuates confusing ideas about sexuality to impressionable teen girls (especially potentially naive Mormon ones) and that they (well, the first two books at least) read like Sweet Valley Twins/Fear Street fanfic. But my central problem with this franchise is that the main love interest is just plain not likable.

One of the main conflicts of the entire books is supposed to be that Bella, who sees herself as boring and klutzy and awkward, cannot understand what Edward, he of the marble chest and topaz eyes, can possibly see in her. Truth be told, we don't get much additional info about why he loves her except that she smells like chocolate-covered lust. Bella also finds herself so attracted to him that being separated from him is physically painful.

And that's pretty much it. Edward is difficult, manipulative, overly mercurial, and far too possessive. Bella spends much of her time with him either trying to figure out why he is upset or whining about something. Or they sleep together slash stare into each other's eyes, the Mormon Girl Porn version of making out, although they do that sometimes too. From the get-go, Edward starts making decisions for Bella without consulting her. He watches her sleep before they even become friends. Additionally, he runs a consistently cold temperature, and in the film he always looks either constipated or nauseous. Ew.

On the other hand, though, Bella's best friend Jacob is not only warmer, he is kind and considerate. I may be going out on a limb here, but if your best friend is a dude and you're dating someone else, you're an idiot.* In the books, at least the way I read them, Jacob supplies Bella with all the things a relationship should have: good conversation, trust, company, laughter, acts of service, and a non-pasty, non-pale shirtless self.

Remember when Edward takes off his shirt and it's supposed to be this big romantic climax, but really it's all gross?

The lesson of Twilight is this: If a boy acts like he owns you, and you feel physically weak in the knees when you hang out a few times, DON"T BOTHER TRYING TO FIGHT IT HE IS YOUR DESTINY. Dumb, dumb, dumb. This is why teen girls should read books like Little Women. Ella Enchanted. A Ring of Endless Light. And other books where the heroine falls for a man who is her equal in every way and makes her feel more alive, not suicidal when he (inevitably) leaves. Take it from me, it's better to date someone who smiles.

I mean, WOOOO TEAM JACOB LA LA LA.

One more thing. Well, two more things. One, I am SO SO CURIOUS about what kind of marriage Ms. Meyer must have to have produced a work of fiction like this. Have you noticed that even her non-Twilight books still focus on the idea of a woman being unable to escape from a man who equal parts loves her and wants to kill her? Does this worry anyone else?

Two, someday I want to run through some crowded street in broad daylight with such passionate purpose and intensity, and a look of such fear and passion on my face, that I begin to run in slow motion. I wonder how those around me would react? I'm pretty sure I NEED to find out.

And when I do, I'll be sure to blog about it.

*Unless he's gay. Or you're gay. Then I'd dare say you've got bigger problems.

Love that hair, right?

Oh please don't go! We'll eat you up, we love you so!

Note: This my super biased, slightly smug review of the new film Where the Wild Things Are. If you don't like reviews that give away the plot, do not read this, because I give away pretty much everything. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I don't like Spike Jonze. To be fair, I don't hate him either: I have seen one of his skate movies, as a matter of fact (Thank you, skater brothers) and I like the work he's done with the Beastie Boys. However, this is mostly because in my view, the Beastie Boys can do no wrong. But that's neither here nor there. Especially since I've changed my tune in the past twenty four hours.

Anyway, when I heard that Spike Jonze was slated to direct a film adaptation of Where the Wild Things Are, a brilliant book with a strikingly relevant yet minimalist plot, I along with the rest of humanity knew that this film could go one of two ways: beauty and heart wrenching, or unadulterated suckiness.

Sleep well, dear children. It's an awesome movie.

The movie starts out with some tidy backstory, and this may well be the first time mere exposition in a film has made me cry. Max (Played by the seriously-is-that-a-pseudonym-or-what Max Records) is an imaginative, rowdy kid who chases the family dog around in the first scene, and is then shown building a snow fort in a generic New England-ish cul-de-sac. Most of the film is shot at Max's eye level, using hand-held cameras, which helps you see Max's universe the way he sees it: the entrance to the snow fort isn't just a hole in a pile of snow, it's a sanctuary. The fence is a row of disobedient soldiers. The actor who plays Max was apparently only nine years old at the time, and he is so beautiful I actually did want to eat him up, a little bit. He has dark, intuitive eyes, and in general broke my heart.

The part that made me cry initially was when Max tries to get his older sister to play in the snow fort with him, and she completely ignores him. Max is meant to be sort of an everykid, and the film manages to evoke the way everyone has felt at one time or another: wanting someone to imagine with. Claire, who has maybe seven minutes of screen time, if that, isn't a villainous older sister, as portrayed in many movies about sibling relationships. She doesn't sneer at or abuse Max, she just ignores him, and it evoked in my mind every single time I ignored my brothers, and when I saw the look at Max's face of longing and disappointment when she rejects him, that's when I lost it. In the end, this movie isn't about a kid who travels to a monster island and wreaks havoc with animatronic robots from the Creature Shop to the strains of indie music. It's about the universally felt need to be appreciated.

A Good Day

This morning I had a midterm for which I was not well-prepared. Luckily, my friend Betsy offered to meet me on campus at 8:30, one hour before class, and help me get caught up on some of the stuff I've missed from the lectures. I keep missing this class for some reason.

Not that it's a mystery. I know the reason.

Anyway, I woke up at 8 and went into the bathroom to get ready, when I discovered that someone was asleep on our bathroom floor. This person's head was right by the toilet and he/she was snoring loudly. I came in and realized I simply would not be comfortable peeing with another human's head so close by.

Nor could I, obviously, shower.

I went into the kitchen and brushed my teeth, but when I emptied out my retainer case my retainer went down the disposal. I got it out and washed the eggshells off. That was a low point.

And yet, I'm going to see Where the Wild Things Are. Tonight.

It's a good day.

Scattered thoughts in two parts each

1a. I have started training for a half-marathon in the sometime future and it makes me feel like a whole person. I love running so hard that my lips tingle. I love feeling sweat on my neck. And I love how I feel for hours after. Post-running euphoria got nothing on drugs.

1b. That being said, it was very disheartening today when, while I was running on the indoor BYU track, I was passed on the left by a midget.

2a. I missed General Conference last weekend because I was in Arizona for the wedding. However, it's kind of nice to catch up on General Conference talks on my iPod while running and have every talk be absolutely new.

2b. I can't help but notice which GAs have Utah accents and which don't. Thanks a lot, Dr. Baker.

3a. I hate baseball.

3b. But I love baseball movies.