The Sexiest Men Alive According to Elisa This Year

 Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you're excited for your gift.

Two bloggers I love and admire (but only one of whom I know) have recently set forth their opinions on how very wrong the good, but misguided, folks at People Magazine were when they put together their yearly "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. I would have to agree with both of them that People Mag's opinions, while appropriately heteronormative and allowably shallow, are far from spot on. Bradley Cooper? Eh. Here are my opinions on who the real, actual sexiest men alive are this year. Don't worry, I will be judging entirely on superficial characteristics. And you're welcome in advance, ladies/men who can be inspired to greatness from these sterling examples of HAWT-itude.

Ryan Gosling

Best to get this out of the way as soon as possible. People Mag. was right to list him as ONE of the sexiest men alive, but to not feature those blue eyes and that boyish grin on the cover? It's morally wrong. Ryan Gosling is God's gift to hetero ladies everywhere. Everybody thinks so. Also, man knows how to grow a beard. Let's face it. He's magical.

 Not to mention that he is featured on this amazing website which integrates two of my favorite things: gorgeous men and feminist theory.

Jason Segel

This picture should pretty much say everything about why I adore this man.

 Jason Segel is one of the few people who openly adores puppets as much as I do (he wrote and performed the puppet musical in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and in the recent Muppets reboot). Which is one million points right there. Additionally, he plays the charming, offbeat, extremely tall Marshall Erikson on How I Met Your Mother, one of my favorite shows out there. Love those boyish good looks coupled with disarming pseudo-awkwardness. Plus the occasional beard.

 Adorable infinity.

Zachary Quinto

I know what you're thinking. "C'mon, Elisa! You're only choosing this guy because he was on J.J. Abrams' 2009 summer blockbuster Star Trek!!" And my response to you is: well, not only. 

 I suppose it's my inner Eastern European that goes crazy for thick dark hair, even when it extends to the eyebrows. Additionally, I have a thing for noses. You know what they say. Quinto has all that going on and more. Look at that smile (which you don't really get to see in Star Trek). Look at that stubble! He has as much handsomeness as he has hair!

Not that it matters because I only care how people look and not about what's in their hearts or minds, but Zachary Quinto seems to be a genuinely kind, compassionate person, as evidenced by his Twitter feed and his contribution to the "It Gets Better" campaign.

Speaking of, he came out of the closet this past year, which was disappointing for me, to say the least. Nevertheless, I wish him luck in bringing happiness to some ridiculously lucky guy.

Seriously, some guys have all the luck.

Jason Sudeikis 

 I challenge you to name one funny sketch from SNL this year that did not prominently feature Jason S. OK, there might have been one or two. But Jason Sudeikis is the best thing that show has going on at the moment, and not just because of his cool last name. Who am I kidding, though? I don't care if a guy is funny! All I care about are looks. And he has those, too.

Yum. Also, yes, I am aware that he is the second Jason. 

Some of you may have picked up on an emerging pattern, so I will set your mind at ease right now: yes, I do love White guys with boyish smiles and who are maybe a little out of shape (AKA snuggly). This has nothing to do with my own body issues at all. Nor does my penchant for facial hair have anything to do with my personal self-consciousness about my lady-stache. I just want a man to be bigger and hairier than me, OK? To make me feel better about myself. Jeez.

I also like dudes that are funny and a little bit nerdy, except not really because I only care about physical features and not about personality characteristics at all AS STATED PREVIOUSLY. And empirically speaking, J.S. is gorgeous. Have you seen his mustache in Going the Distance? He and Charlie Day made that movie watchable. And buy-at-Safeway-able.

Alan Tudyk 

Yes, he was on Arrested Development and Firefly. Yes, I would love him even if he were not on either of those awesome shows.

Oh, look, another boyish White snuggly dude with the odd bout of facial hair (just not in this photo)! Did you think I would be bored of them by now? Of course I am not. Alan Tudyk is completely 100% adorable. He can even rock a Hawaiian shirt if his character calls for it. That is saying a lot because Hawaiian shirts are gross. He is also smart and funny. But who cares about that.

Seriously, I would play dinosaurs with this guy any day of the week. If you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean?

Lastly, when called upon the man has a very sexy way of dance (possibly NSFW if your boss is super uptight). This video was clearly shot at some sort of nerdy con which makes me love him all the more.

Lyman Johnson

Question: does a Whiter name exist in the whole world? Answer: nope.

Do you watch "The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl?" If you don't, you are seriously missing out on some quality television. Go watch it right now. And after you have done so, we can get together at Aurora Donuts and drink whole milk and squee over White Jay. Because he is perfect.

See what I mean? He rocks the funny hair with the boyish grin and makes me believe it. See also: the beard. He also has an engineering degree, but who cares because I just want him to stay at home and wait for me every day when I come home from school.

Am I right, ladies/GBTQ dudes? Suh-woon.

Donald Glover

Granted, the rest of these guys except for Zachary Quinto have kind of all looked the same, but I want to make it abundantly clear that I find all races and creeds attractive, especially when they are funny and know how to rap. Enter: Childish Gambino AKA another guy with a kinda White-sounding name.

 I also definitely have a thing for glasses even if they are fake. 

Donald Glover is currently the best part of the best show on the air (-ish), Community. He is funny, charming and has good jeans. He's also talented at whatever he chooses to do outside of the show, which lately is do stand up and release hip hop EPs. He's totally awesome. Also, if you're not currently watching Community you should start watching it right now, because if you don't it might go off the air permanently and it would be all your fault for not supporting it.

And also because damn, right? 

I hope you all enjoyed these pictures of attractive men that I got you for Christmas, because unless you are my mom I definitely didn't get you anything else. 

xoxo,

ek

My best friend

had an elaborate plan when we were in high school on how she was going to meet her future husband. Her plan was to attend art school in Florida, get hired as a Disney animator to work on some sort of cartoon about outer space, and, while sketching at NASA headquarters, meet her husband, who of course would be an astronaut.

Things ended up going slightly differently, but of course she still got her happily ever after.

I, on the other hand, am free to fantasize about these handsome blokes:

These are some NASA astronauts from the 1960s. Seven originals members of the Mercury missions, pictured here during survival training in the Nevada desert. The gentleman front and center is my favorite. Possibly because I have a thing for noses?

Image courtesy of here.

Sometimes I feel sad I wasn't an adult in the 1960s. Then I remember the pilot of Mad Men and I'm like, oh yeah.

I Can't Believe I Haven't Blogged About X, Day 4: My Villanelle

The first image result from the search term "writer's block."

I used to write poetry. I haven't in years, but some of it was pretty good. Even after I switched my major from English to Linguistics, I took all the poetry classes I could weasel my way into.

SEEMINGLY UNRELATED TANGENT!

The summer I was 20, I was crazy in love with this 29-turning-30 dude in my ward/condo complex named ... for privacy's sake, let's call him Dan Blatt. He looked like a potato and was severely mentally ill, but I liked him because he was "interesting." Terrible idea. But let's not waste time revisiting my bad taste in men.

Anyway, that Fall semester, I enrolled in my first poetry class, which I was really excited about. Our professor was a really quirky cowboy-type guy who insisted we could only write form poetry--"No free verse until you've earned it!" Our first assignment was to write a villanelle, and we had almost three weeks to do it.

I kept trying to write love poems to the aforementioned boy, but nothing came. A fortnight passed and I started to get really, really frustrated, and even doubted that I had any future as a writer at all.

Then, on September 11th, he dumped me. I came home from eating ice cream with my best friend and this poem came pouring out of me, just like butter. Go figure.

Until now, the only people who have seen this poem are my 319 class (which was like ten people), Cori and Brooke.

Ode to Dan Blatt (September 11, 2005)

"You won't be needing THIS."

Dan Blatt, I hate your stinking guts.
How could you be this cruel to me?
Dan, you are such a freaking putz.

It's not like I'm one of your sluts!
I know there's nothing wrong with me ...
Dan Blatt, I hate your stupid guts.

Your apartment stinks like cold cuts.
I wouldn't stay if you paid me.
Dan, you are such a filthy putz.

To think I liked you, I must be nuts.
I'm taking back my heart's key.
Dan Blatt, I hate your lying guts.

To think that I was such a klutz
to love the way you called me "E."
Dan, you are such a two-faced putz.

Before I kick you in the nuts
I have something to tell you--see,
Dan Blatt, I hate your stinking guts.
You are such a big fat freaking putz.

I Can't Believe I Haven't Blogged About X, Day 3: Baseball Metaphors for Love AKA the Three Strikes Rule

A while ago, Bob and I had the following conversation. To provide some background without giving anything away, I had met a boy whom I thought was cool, and then changed my mind about wanting to pursue him (this will all make perfect sense in a minute).

Me: Yeah, no. I'm not going for that anymore.

B: How come?

Me: That was strike three. He's out.

B: I beg your pardon?

Me: You know, my Three Strikes rule. I've told you about that.

B: No, you haven't.

Me: Seriously? Well, did you read my blog entry about it?

B: (silently pitying me for going senile at such a young age)

Whoops. I really thought I had blogged about this at least once. But I checked the archives and ... guess not. Well, here you go. This has the unfortunate potential of being one of those blog entries that is not interesting to anyone but me.

I have a nasty habit of pursuing men long after they have proved to be bad news. Sometimes, they start out nice and then turn mean, and yet I keep mentally returning to the memory of the initial niceness, and inwardly insist that they will likely turn nice again. This never happens.

Other times, the guy is mean to begin with, but I convince myself either that:

1. He is only mean because he is so troubled, and my love will save him OR

2. He is mean, yes, but that only makes it even more worthwhile and exciting when he IS nice and is therefore worth waiting around for.

I don't have to tell you that these never end well, either.

The Three Strikes Rule is something I came up with to combat this irrational and unwise tendency of mine. I am aware it's not exactly reinventing the wheel, but I have bad taste in men*, and for now this is the best I can do.

The Three Strikes Rule is thus:

A boy I think I might be interested in pursuing gets two free passes to pull a boneheaded move (with or without proof of intent). After the third, I walk. Stipulations:

1. The move in question can be a sin of omission (ignoring me at a social event when he knew I was there) or commission (saying or doing something intentionally rude or mean).

2. As I stated above, there needn't be any concrete proof of intent, but the move must be genuinely hurtful and not just a product of my sky-high expectations (not that they're actually sky-high, let's be honest). For example, failing to buy me a present for some pointless occasion is not a strike. Flirting with another girl in front of me is.

3. Any act of physical violence counts as two. And yeah, I know that sounds soft. I never said it was a perfect system.

4. Sometimes the act doesn't have to be hurtful, but rather simple proof that said male is either not interested or interested in other people. Flirting with other women in front of me also falls in this category.

5. "You're out" doesn't have to mean forever, it simply indicates that the subject is not worthy of attention for now. The whole thing restarts after an indeterminate period of time.

I have been honing and practicing the system for approximately a year, and so far it is going OK. The really funny thing is, I don't like or understand baseball at all.

Also, if you are looking for some interesting reading, I highly recommend looking up Wikipedia's article entitled, "Baseball metaphors for sex."

You're welcome.

*With a few exceptions. You know who you are.

CELEBRITY CRUSHES

After such a heavy post earlier this week, I thought I would lighten things up a bit, in an effort to bring some balance to the Universe. You're welcome. Also, I am very excited to announce that, after a lengthy stint at the top, "Man sucking boobs milk video" has FINALLY ceased to become my number one search term on Google Analytics. This is a happy day. It dropped all the way to number four, even. This really is excellent news.

I have no idea how that search leads to my blog, so don't ask.

Anyway, so last night I was at the temple, minding my own business, and a very nice and presumably well-meaning woman came up to me and said, "You have such a pretty dress! Is that your WEDDING dress?"

Here's a Multiple Choice Question. Did I:

A. Burst into tears.

B. Punch her in the face.

C. Both A and B.

D. Smile politely and respond with something I forget what I said exactly, but it wasn't bitter or mean.

The answer is, of course, D. Raise your hand if you're proud of me.

Thank you, thank you.

I got to thinking, though, that not being in a relationship is actually pretty fabulous for lots of reasons, one being that I can listen to this song and it's kinda like a double entendre and two, CELEBRITY CRUSHES!!!!!

I always feel guilty lusting after other men whilst concurrently lusting after a real live man with flaws, especially when he is in the same room or theater with me. But if all I got is imaginary crushes, less stress for me! I have got it made.

Here are some famous people that I have crushes on. This is just a small sampling and is by no means exhaustive.

I would TOTS have sex with Christopher Walken mostly because of this music video. He is smart, funny, mysterious, and can dance. Also, he is from Queens. WIN. I know a lot of people think he has a scary face, but sometimes scary is sexy. Also, I am attracted to his mind, you shallow, shallow jerk.

According to IMDB.com, he has been married to the same woman since 1969, which is both awesome and not good, depending on how seriously I start taking this celebrity crush. Also, I found out just now that he is older than my mom. I don't care.

First of all, hi, Batman. Christian Bale was THE BEST Batman. Better than Michael Keaton, better than Val Kilmer, and CERTAINLY better than George Clooney. I mean, really. I love comic books and I would say I love Batman equally as much as X-men, slightly more than Spiderman and significantly more than Superman, especially after the latest Superman movie, which I hated. My point is, Christian Bale as Batman is really really great.

Also, hi, NEWSIES. Watching Newsies was one of the first times I realized I was attracted to men. Newsies was for most girls my age what Leia's brass bikini in Return of the Jedi was for lots of little boys. If you catch my meaning.

And finally, Rescue Dawn. He's actually not that hot in that movie. But it's a really IMPORTANT movie, and I respect him for being in it, especially since he lost so much weight for the role and I think ate a real snake too. That's badass. It might even make up for the fact that he drinks way, way too much alcohol and is reportedly kind of a douche. NEVER STOPPED ME FROM LOVING SOMEONE BEFORE.

If you think I am talking about you right now, I am not.

Lastly, Alan Rickman. I might only love him because Sense and Sensibility is such a great film, in my opinion better than Pride and Prejudice, or it could be because he was in Galaxy Quest and that movie is really hilarious.

Clearly, I have a thing for deep voices. Don't even get me started on how I feel about Eddie Vedder.

Here is a representative quote which proves I also love Mr. Rickman for his mind:

"I do feel more myself in America. I can regress there, and they have roller-coaster parks."

Oh Alan I would ride a roller-coaster with you ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. Even though IMDB just informed me that you are, in fact, the same age as my mom. I can forgive you for that, as well as for cheating on Emma Thompson in Love Actually.

Oh my gosh, I almost forgot about Die Hard. I love that movie.

Collin and I should write a screenplay.

I'm thinking Diablo Cody-infused rom-com, minus the sex.

Him: If he doesn't talk to you, then you're going after the wrong guy, again. And I'm going to tease you, because I have yet to hear about a cool guy that you've pursued.
Me: Hey, hey ...
Him: Mostly I'm thinking about that horribly narcissistic **** guy you were so spellbound by.
Me: Oh gosh. That's my big fear honestly. It's too bad that I go for mysterious slash creative, because that is so often linked to douchebag. I should make a t-shirt that says "NO MORE DOUCHEBAGS" just to remind me.
Him: Yeah, but that makes it sound like you work for a company that supplies douchebags and that you have evidently run out of them.
Me: Shoot, maybe I did.

I just had an apostrophe.

I was enumerating my celebrity crushes to my friend Collin tonight and I realized something.

My Celebrity Crushes:

1. Alan Rickman
2. Christopher Walken
3. Christian Bale

See any destructive patterns here? Emo, brooding, deep-voiced, angry, drunks.

Also, my favorite Ninja Turtle was always Rafael. He was also deep, brooding, acid-tongued and filled with rage he could neither conquer nor explain.

If only someone could tame him......

This has led to every problem I have ever experienced in love.

A Treatise on Three Topics that Never Happened

All the things that didn't happen to me today:

1. I did NOT come down with the mumps.
2. I did NOT finish painting our hallway. Or any other room in the house, for that matter.
3. I did NOT eat anything worth mentioning.
4. I did NOT see, talk to, or hold hands with Christopher Walken. His loss.
5. I did NOT become fluent in French overnight.
6. I did NOT receive a mysterious package that may or may not have contained a bomb.
7. I did NOT buy contact solution even though I am out. And currently wearing contacts.

All the Foods I have Never Tried:

1. Blood pudding.
2. Haggis.
3. Homemade blue cheese.
4. Milk straight from a cow.
5. Count Chocula breakfast cereal.
6. Snails.
7. Goose liver.
8. Deep fried tootsie roll on a stick.
9. Deep fried anything on a stick.

All the Boys I Never Dated:

This is something I have been thinking about lately. Generally I try to operate under the assumption that it's better to take risks and know for sure about something than to live forever wondering if something would have worked out. And I'm not just talking about boys here, either. I am a much happier person knowing as I do that pig feet are gross, whereas if I had never tried them I may have lived my whole life wondering if pig feet were the tastiest delicacy on the planet. Probably not, but who wants to live with that kind of possibility? It's better to try one and know for sure that they are disgusting.

Another example is persimmons. Possibly the most delicious food on the planet. If Satan himself were to come and offer me one in exchange for something major, like leaving my home and experiencing hardship and agency and childbirth, I would seriously consider it. That's a lie. I would go for it without looking back. Persimmons are that good.

I was introduced to persimmons on my mission. Not because anyone offered them to me. I discovered them on my own. When I was serving with Ashley, every P-day I picked out a fruit or vegetable in the produce section that I didn't recognize, than sometime during the week I ate it. Sometimes whatever I bought was gross, but at least I knew for sure that none of the items available were poisonous. They don't sell poisonous produce in grocery stores in Hungary. A wise policy.

Anyway, so one week I go to the exotic fruit basket in the back corner of the produce section and start rifling through it. I find what looks like an orange tomato, and buy it figuring it will taste like one. Then one Sunday morning while my companion was in the shower and I had very little food left from the week, I reluctantly cut it up and tried it.

It was like a symphony on my tongue. It was so sweet and juicy and magical. The following P-day I bought like seven even though they were like three hundred forint each. Man, they were delicious. I regretted every month of my life that had not been spent eating more and more persimmons. I seem to recall that on that morning I actually went into the bathroom where Ashley was showering and demanded that she come out and taste this delight in my hands. She was so good to put up with me.

I should also add that I didn't know they were called persimmons until I returned home from my mission over a year later. I don't remember the Hungarian word for them, but I think it was something unhelpful like "Jerusalem apples" or something like that.

Some men are like pig feet. They appear to be a bad choice but you (well, I) try them just to make sure they aren't actually a whole lot of greatness in a lousy package. Always a disappointment, but never a surprise.

Some men are like persimmons. They appear ordinary, but once you try them you regret every minute of your life that was not spent enjoying everything that person has to offer. That kind of experience never wears off. I have never met a human persimmon.

Some men are pomelos. They look fulfilling and delicious but then turn out to be sour and gross. Consistently. A pomelo betrayed me once. And here I am talking about the actual fruit, not a person.

Most men, unfortunately, are like oatmeal. They sustain you through life but don't do much for you besides that. And sometimes some jerk puts shredded glass in your oatmeal, just to be spiteful, and almost die from your breakfast. It's true. I read about it once.*

Frequently, I assume someone is a persimmon, take a bite and find it filled with rolled oats, with or without the glass. It never ceases to disappoint me, though. Rest assured though, that someday I will be banging down your figurative bathroom door insisting that you try this persimmon. Meet this person.

And you will say to me, "Sister Koler, shouldn't you be getting ready for Church?"

"Let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry...have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere-be deceitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is ever lost."
- Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Ch. 48

*Well, in a novel.

Phone of love.

Have you seen these embroidered text messages?
I think they are so dang cute. I wish I could embroider, although even if I could I don't know if I would want to make these because they have already been done. But they're so cute!

So I got a new phone. It's pretty cool. I haven't had much of a chance to use it yet, but it's all fancy and expensive in a "my-parents-got-divorced-recently-and-are-still-trying-to-buy-me-back" sort of way. I am a little sad to get rid of my old phone, but mostly because I have so many saved text messages on it that make me so happy. I can't embroider them, so I thought I would list them right here.

I think it will be more interesting if I DON"T say who they are from. Also, punctuation has been modernized. This could very well be EXTREMELY boring to everyone who is not me. Who cares?

My favorite text messages from 2008:

"Yes. You're amazing. I couldn't make it through life without you. I'm gonna call you Sunday, I'm studying for a test. I love you."

"I love how confident you are. And you have great legs."

"I was thinking about your hands today while examining mine and I think they are the prettiest kindest looking hands I ever held. And your lips are hot."

"You are one of the most intelligent people I know. And one of the most naturally maternal women I've ever met. You are going to be such a good mommy! I love you!"

"You are a beautiful wonderful girl with a bold courageous and true heart--the likes of which I don't think I've ever seen."

"Hope life is good for you! Remember to smile. You are loved."

"You, lady, are a princess. Not the spoiled kind, but rather the kind who doesn't know she is until that fateful day."

"Thank you so much E. That was a great message. And you are incredibly hot. Love Sego too. Love you."

"Ha, thanks. On another note Toby is sad bored and really really annoying without Sego, and I miss you so come home soon."

"Happy birthday big sister!" (Gee, who could that be from?)

"Happy birthday my sista! I love you! I'll call you this afternoon so be ready for some fly birthday singing!"

"So today just has this transcendent quality of being special! I'm pretty sure it's because you were born! Woohoo! I for one am so glad about it! Happy birthday!"

"You are so sweet."

"I just got back. I am crying. You are love. Thank you for eveything you are. God appreciates you. So do I."

"I think very highly of you."

"Being who you are is so sweet."

"This is Thelma. I love you!" (OK, that one is a dead giveaway too. But how often does one get a text message from Thailand? Hardly.)

"That nearly put me to tears. You're so great. So great."

"I know you don't lie, that's a fact. You've got the highest integrity of just about anyone I know."

"And that would only add to the list of things that make you amazing."

"Girls. I just walked around the house completely naked and it was so weird yet strangely liberating. Just thought I'd share that awkward truth with y'all." (this one may be my very favorite)

"You are wonderful!"

"You. You girl. Are funny."

"Hey sweetie I just want you to know I love you. I think you're wonderful. You're sweet, kind, smart and beautiful. I hope you have a better rest of the day."

"I love you so much. Enjoy today!"

"Oh my goodness! I love this dress! You are so so so sweet!"

"I'm well enough off, thank you my dear."

"My love for you moves me to tears."

"You are doing so much good in this world. It is a better place with you in it."

"Dude. You're probably the best and truest friend I've ever had."

Awww. I have so many wonderful people in my life. Some of these make me a little sad, but I still want to keep them. If you recognize yourself in these, know that I love you. And if not, maybe you should send me more text messages telling me how much you love me, hmmm?