Truly Outrageous

Raise your hand if you remember this show:

I don't remember it super well either, frankly. But I do remember that I had a Jem Girls lunch box. I wish I still had it ... it's probably worth money.

As it true with lots of pop music, all of Jem's songs pretty much sound the same.

The other night, my pals and I were hanging out in our pajamas, eating sugary cereal and watching 80s cartoons (you wish you were this cool). While we were watching the first few episodes of this fabulous show, we started discussing the incredible music videos that punctuate each episode. Sometimes two or three per half hour!

Bob: You realize that someone actually sat down and WROTE these songs?

Me: I can do that.

Bob: Could you?

Me: Give me a topic and I will write a pop song right now.

Bob: Before the end of this episode? [note: the episode was nearly over]

Me: Sure.

Bob: OK ... um ... the Burmese conflict!

I finished it while the credits were rolling. Thelma, I dedicate this pop song to you.

The Burmese Conflict

Once we lived in peace and harmony

in our homes and with our families

But then it became hard to be Burmese

Chorus:

Yeah, it's hard to be Burmese

out in the cold, we sob and sneeze.

Western world, we're on our knees

please bring justice to the Burmese

Once the Karens and Buddhists sat down to tea

united in our love of democracy

But then the violence of the BSPP

led to political hostility

Help our people to be free!

Chorus:

Yeah, it's hard to be Burmese

out in the cold, we sob and sneeze.

Western world, we're on our knees

please bring justice to the Burmese

I think I will drop out of school and become independently wealthy as a writer of pop songs. Don't worry, I will use my wealth to take down oppressive political regimes.

Poll Results.

The poll is closed, and the results are in. I am disappointed that so many of you dishonest doofuses claimed to be my mother. I only have one. Sheesh.

In accordance with the people, the picture stays the same. This will save me time and effort, so thanks.

xoxoxxoxox

ek

Things I Will Never Like (AKA a rant about inanimate objects)

Because inanimate objects can't write obnoxious comments on my blog when all I want to do is express some healthy frustration. If you, the reader, like some of the things on this list, rest assured it's not personal. It's just nice to know there are some certainties in life.

1. Bacon. I know it's going through a massive cultural revival, but I have always found it gross. My cousin Jordan says that he thinks it's hilarious when vegetarians claim to not enjoy bacon. Laugh it up, Jordan. It's NUMBER ONE on the list.
2. The following bands/singers: Creed, Nickelback, The Ataris (sorry Courtney), New Found Glory, Michael Buble, and Muse. If that upsets anybody here, you're the problem. Just because I have a different opinion than you do, you felt personally attacked instead of focusing on a bigger issue: why do you listen to terrible music?
3. Sour candy. Why should candy be sour? It's supposed to be sweet and delicious on my tongue. It's not supposed to burn a hole in my esophagus.
4. Surge cola. Remember that stuff? Maybe you don't. Because it was totally gross. Luckily I'm pretty sure they stopped making it because it killed people, so I don't have to worry about Surge Cola anymore.
5. The sticky floor at movie theatres. I don't understand why people think buying a ticket to a film exempts them from the responsibility to clean up after themselves.
6. Learning the names of countries in other languages. If you ask me, we should all just use the name of the country that exists in the country's foremost language. Thus:

Germany = Deutschland
Hungary = Magyarorszag
Japan = Nihon

France, the U.K., Iraq, Iran, and lots of other countries would be the same, except people would pronounce them properly instead of embarrassing themselves by saying I-wrack.
7. Menstruation. This is not, for the record, the reason for my crankiness. But the curse of Eve is and always will be completely and heartily unfair. Why do my boobs hurt? Why does my back hurt? MY UTERUS IS IN NEITHER OF THOSE PLACES.
8. Guns. I hate them. They smell funny and they make loud noises. Also, they kill things.
9. Redundant rules. I'm finally starting to slow down a bit.
10. Movie reviews that act SURPRISED that movies like Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen are pointless action romps with bad writing. Shouldn't you have to pay attention to what kind of movie you're about to see before you review it?
11. The texture of insulation.
12. Mirrors that are meant for anything besides looking at yourself. Wall mirrors? No. Space creating mirrors? Not in my house. If I want to look at myself, I better have to go FIND a mirror, not be faced with my pasty reflection at every turn.
13. Conspiracy theories. I don't care if your theory has good solid research behind it, as soon as you say, "this is what THEY don't want you to know," I don't care how much I like you, you DESERVE to get punched in the face.
14. Throwing up. You hate it, too? Weird.
15. Beer. I know it makes people invulnerable to criticism, but I really don't like the way it tastes. I don't even like extra-yeasty bread. Yuck.

Well, that was therapeutic. Hope you enjoyed that.

Do you know something I DO enjoy? Obscure pop culture references. There were FOUR obscure pop culture references in the above blog entry. Anyone who can guess the location of the references (and by that I mean, guess which phrases or sentences were quotes and not just me being my hilarious self) and/or what they were referring to will win a prize: a cool postcard from my collection, sent to you very own home! So get cracking.

If a genie gave you 3 wishes, what would they be?

Thanks for the prompt Vilja. I love you. You should all check out Vilja and Jordan's blog, because it is wicked awesome. Vilja's prompt in full was:

"If a genie gave you 3 wishes, what would they be? (Following the "Aladdin" rules of no wishing for more wishes, no wishing people dead, and no making people fall in love)"

Unrelated side note: my dinner tonight was red peppers, onions, tomatoes, brussels sprouts, corn and carrots roasted with olive oil, garlic and rosemary. And it was FABULOUS. Maybe I will be able to cook, after all. Someday.

Anyway, here are my three wishes and their justifications:

1. My first wish would be a cure for scleroderma. I know you all will probably call me a jerk for not eradicating ALL diseases with a wish, but here's the thing: diseases are necessary, even though when they strike and who they strike is often quite unfair. Having all disease eliminated would most likely lead to some post-apocalyptic world in which no one could survive past twenty and everyone was the most vile of sinners. Or something like that. If I could find a cure for one disease, it would be the one affecting my best friend Cori. And all the other people dealing with scleroderma who pretty much suffer in silence. It pisses me off that few people know about scleroderma only because no one famous has died from it.

2. My next wish would be to know 1. Whether I was going to get married in this life and if so 2. the EXACT date of said marriage. I know some people think knowing things like that takes the fun out of life. Not so! If I knew when I were getting married I could stop worrying about it, and plan my life accordingly. Assuming the date were at least a few years in the future I could even have a little fun and go on some adventures (maybe even join the Peace Corps!) without worrying about missing out on something more important. None of the stressing out about moving business. To stay in Provo or not to stay? Well, I'm getting married January 19th, 2012. So I can move to New York for a few years, at least. That was easy. Ah. If only.

3. This third one is harder to come up with. I can think of a few, but I can't be sure how important they are. Some of them just aren't, actually. Like inheriting a winery in Oregon and spending the rest of my life there. Or looking like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Or a horsey. I can also think of a few attempts at "changing the world" like eradicating war or ending poverty. But honesty, messing with agency in such an epic way really seems like a bad move in the long run. This life really is pretty short, when you think about it. So I'm going to say that my last wish would be to choose one hundred people in the world who could have one wish, and having it granted with my approval. I think a lot of good could be accomplished that way, but not so much that mortality becomes pointless.

Lastly: my new favorite snack is toast with sour cream. It's so yummy!