Passions.

I know I've been AWOL for a while, but I feel bad apologizing for it, especially considering that it probably won't be changing anytime soon. I make no promises to blog more before August 2012. Promises will only disappoint.

That being said, here is a three-panel summary of how I have felt about this quarter (outside my placement classroom, which is full of 32 of the most sassy, curious, grabby, impolite, adorable little 8 year-olds you can imagine, who delight and challenge me every single day).


This is from here. The original can be found here.

I am looking forward immensely to next quarter, which will be three times the amount of classroom work and half the amount of time on campus. Hopefully next quarter I will be visited by the Heavens with professors who are nice, interesting and helpful, rather than a distinctly less appealing smaller combination of the aforementioned qualities.

This fall, I have one professor who is nice and helpful but not interesting; one who is interesting and helpful but not nice; one who is nice and interesting but not helpful; and one who is none of the above. Two are blessedly all three, but one of those classes ended almost a month ago, and one good teacher is hardly sustainable right before Christmas.

Speaking of good teachers, I think I am going to be one. Today I got so excited about a curriculum I would like to plan that I have been researching it for a few hours. I pity those people who haven't found something they love so much they would research it on a Friday night after coming home from a social engagement. What are you waiting for? Go figure it out!

From the archives: September 2, 2004

Humorous quotes from my professors! *cymbal crash*

"English spelling is ... disgusting."
Professor Skousen

"'Whom did you see at the dance?' Now you could say this, maybe to one of your rommates. But you would be branded as some sort of weird ... English Major or something."
Professor Skousen

"I don't know what it is with Mormons and food. Have any of you ever been to a church activity, not including the three-hour block on Sunday, wherein there was no food available? Anybody? [no one in the class of 250 raises their hand]. See? Also, I've noticed that we tend to substitute ice cream for alcohol. You know, normal people, if they want to go out casually with someone of the opposite sex, they go out for drinks. But Mormons, they hit up Baskin and Robbins for a quick ice cream, and if they don't like each other, they just take off."
Professor Campbell

"I am proud to say that I missed my grandfather's funeral to attend class out of fear of missing school. Grandpa was proud too, I suspect, since he taught school in Canada, back when going to school was an honor."
Professor Sorenson

"Welcome to English 325. English grammar. How thrilling."
Professor Skousen

"I did not choose to major in Philosophy, nay, but rather I realized that I had been a philosopher all along and just did not realize it. This is not a career path that one would consciously choose. If I could, I'd be really good at ... business. Or something."
Professor Foster

"The death penalty, you have to admit, caters to this Old Testament sense of justice that we use only when it suits our purposes. Really, I don't see any point in killing more people after the fact, especially since we let them live twenty years before we do it anyway."
Professor Sorenson

"Thank you so much for coming to this department meeting! Please help yourself to the refreshments available out in the open-air atrium ... and by that I mean the sidewalk."
The Department Head (I didn't catch his name, or else I just forgot it)

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Go ahead and listen to this song and replace Kotter with Koler:

Have you noticed I have not blogged in a long time? Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. I'm not going to apologize for not blogging, because I'M NOT SORRY. I am also not sorry that this quarter is over, because working fulltime and going to school fulltime is totally exhausting. IT IS THE WORST. Did not enjoy. For all those who did that for four plus years: I SALUTE YOU.

Over the past quarter, I have been so frequently pressed for time that I have become disgusting. Evidence:

1. One time I borrowed my employer's husband's deodorant when I needed to go straight from work to school. Fact: ladies should not smell like Old Spice.

2. Once, while eating dinner/studying in bed, I spilled yakisoba sauce on my sheets and rather than wash them, I just slept in them. Fact: I still haven't washed them yet. Probably this weekend.

3. I also washed my hair in the sink at work.

4. Another time, I dumped cornstarch in my hair at work because I needed to go to school and I had not showered. Fact: I am an Italian greaseball.*

5. Tonight, I ate M&Ms for dinner. Plain. Because they were part of the visual aid for my math class.

Don't worry, I have lots of great stuff in the works! Here's a preview:

1. Even more 2011 books.

2. Installment 1 of Book vs. Movie vs. Movie.

3. Installment 2 of 30 for 30: the "Should I get rid of this?" edition.

4. Installment 1 of I Really, Really Love TV.

5. In-depth reporting on Star Trek Con 2011 in Vancouver, BC. HELL YES I AM GOING TO THAT.

6. Kevin Clash.

Here's to a great summer!

*Also fact: I am not Italian.

Not all famous Mormons are people I am ashamed of.

Know what's cool? Being smart, and being a writer, and being a Jeopardy champion WITHOUT being a giant pretentious douchebag. Also, being a Mormon who doesn't make me cringe every time someone mentions his name (I'm looking at you, G. Beck).

Although I could be talking about my buddy Alison, currently I am talking about Ken Jennings, who is from the same general area where I now live and maybe was at Emerald City Comic Con when I was also there. I didn't see him, but I saw pictures later.

Ken Jennings did his crazy Jeopardy-defeating streak when I was a freshman in the dorms at BYU, and lemme tell you, we were FREAKING OUT. I was on the Honors Floor, though, so we were kind of nerds.

Anyway, Ken was on Reddit (which I infrequent) answering questions, and he was so charming and real and high-fiveable I just wanted to share some highlights. If you have lots of time you can read the whole cotton-pickin' thing here, but it's awfully long. It's worth it, but if you read the whole thing you may or may not be late for whatever you are doing next.

Here are some screenshots that are just funny:

Click to enlarge!

See how funny he is? In such a inclusive way. His humor has a little bit of something for everyone.

This bit, I think, was my most favorite, and summed up quite accurately how I feel about the disconnect I sometimes feel between being "a Mormon" and being myself.

Who could say it better? Only Jesus.

Here are some other choice Mormon jokes/comments. All well done.

This is the kind of stuff that should be on Mormon.org.

I just like this guy so much. The End.

You might think I am joking, but I am SO NOT.

Meat Loaf is the gatekeeper to all things awesome.

This post has been percolating in my mind for the past few weeks, but when Kelsy posted an eerily similar post about the magic of Steve Buscemi, I knew it was time for action. It is beautiful to have the kind of friends who can shout with me, with a glorious mixture of shock and joy, "SO-AND-SO IS IN THIS?!?"

Here is the thing. If Meat Loaf is in a movie, it is either awesome to begin with or it becomes awesome because he is in it. Let's start with the most obvious example.

Robert Paulson in Fight Club.

Not only was this an amazing film, Meat Loaf rocked this particular character by playing him with both affection and a lack of vanity. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, this movie is actually a little bit better than the book, and the book was pretty good.

If you know me, you know this is the highest compliment I can give a film.

Eddie in the Rocky Horror Picture Show

I went to one of those midnight showings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show about a year ago with some friends, which provided me with enough material for the rest of my blogging life, should I ever choose to share it. One of the nice details of the much-celebrated "audience participation" bit was when Meat Loaf's character is (spoiler alert!) revealed to be dead, everyone in the audience chants in unison, "His name was Robert Paulson, his name was Robert Paulson."

Get it?

The song that Eddie performs in this movie sounds exactly like every Meat Loaf song, ever, which doesn't say much for his artistic range, but does say a lot for the credo, "find something that works for you and do it over and over."

Speaking of this credo, Meat Loaf likes to drive buses.

Hoover in Leap of Faith

Even harnessing the power of the Internet, it was hard to find a photo of this role ... I think the film is out of print? But IMDB had one, albeit untagged. Can you find Meat Loaf in this photo?

You found him! Yay!

Have you seen this movie? It's pretty charming. Manages to poke fun at religion without being entirely cynical. Meat Loaf plays the (inexplicably named) bus driver/keyboard player Hoover. He's by no means a central character, but he is a great ensemble member. Note: Steve Martin was way better when he was playing lovable idiots and jerks, not dads.

Dennis in Spice World

Why yes, I watched this movie again on Netflix in order to get

a screenshot of this role. And I was happy to do it.

OK, before you scoff at the fact that I have even SEEN this movie, I ask you, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOVIE? It is awesome. Hilarious. You don't even have to be a Spice Girls fan to enjoy it (but it's cool 'cause I am one).

Still not convinced? What about this?

Tiny in Wayne's World

Thanks Nostomanic for the perfect prelabeled picture.

Also thanks to Google Image Search for leading me to it.

I repeat. Meat Loaf has a brief cameo in Wayne's World, one of the best things to come out of the 90s.

Quod erat demonstrandum.

Post-2010 Report

It's common for bloggers to take stock of their lives at the end of the year and write about their goals, hopes, etc for the upcoming. I am not going to do this because 1. 2010 kinda sucked and 2. 2011 is shaping up to be AWESOME but I don't want to jinx it.

However, it is quite important for me to take stock of my reading every year, so here are some graphs. I read 67 books this year, which is pretty good considering none of them were assignments for school, but pales in comparison to rock stars such as Janssen. As you can see, my split between kids/YA/adult books was reasonably even, with all three genres represented, although I showed a strong leaning towards books written for adults. This is because I am an adult.

NOTE: sometimes, it is hard to determine if a book is a children's book or a YA book. Obviously picture books are meant for children, but some chapter books can be kind of nebulous. I used a mathematically proven algorithm known as "thinking about how old the protagonist is and whether the book has adult themes, then guessing."

Clearly, I show a strong preference for fiction over non-fiction.

Shockingly, most of the books that I read, I liked. Spoiler alert--two of the books I did not like were Twilight. Additionally, contrary to popular belief, I do not ONLY read comic books.

This may or may not have been interesting to anyone who is not me.

Books I Have Read in 2010, part one

I have gotten really, really far behind in this whole "keeping track of all the books I read" thing. But since I'm homebound and sick and got nothing else/better to do, here you go. These are the first ten.

Stop Forgetting to Remember: the Autobiography of Walter Kurtz by Peter Kuper

Another autobiographical graphic novel I found whilst browsing aimlessly at the library. Kuper mixed it up a bit by making it an autobiography not of himself, but of a fictional person who happens to have had a very, very similar life to his. Wink. The whole book is like a very long version of one of those "this happened to a friend of mine" stories that you hear at parties. Sometimes even in Sacrament Meeting!

I am like 95% sure one of the stories I heard in my most recent Sacrament Meeting was one of those. Anyway.

An autobiographical graphic novel kick is for sure a good kick to be on, and this is a good one, even though it technically breaks the most crucial convention. It's still powerfully honest, and breaks the fourth wall in really cool ways. It's not often that one finds a magical-realism-infused book about parenting and male friendship that still manages to be so touching. I feel like now that I have read this book, I totally understand men. NOT.

Going Rogue: An American Life by Sarah Palin

I decided recently that it's really important for me to read the books of the people with whom I disagree most vehemently, because I want to make sure that I sincerely disagree with their ideas and not just a straw man version of them. Which is often what people I dislike do, argue against ideas they claim their opponents have instead of their actual ideas. But I digress.

I disagree pretty heartily with most of what Sarah Palin says, does, is, represents. After reading her (albeit heavily ghostwritten) memoirs, I can now say with a certainty that I wasn't just imagining things. I really do disagree with her, even dislike her as a person, which is too bad. Someone who reviewed this book on Slate described this book as a "1000 page paean to willful ignorance." That pretty much sums it up.

The thing that really, really bothers me about Sarah Palin, more than her trumped-up claims about her governmental experience, more than her sick parading of her kids for the press, and more than her irritating lack of diplomacy, was that multiple times in her book she claimed that as a child she was a "bookworm" and "a nerd" who spent all her time reading.

First of all, no way could any well-read person have the stunted vocabulary and incomprehensible syntax that Palin seems almost proud of. Secondly, Palin claims that her favorite books are Animal Farm and The Pearl. AKA two of the shortest books on any middle school teacher's required reading list. She makes no mention of any book longer than the two aforementioned. Please. Bookworms read books. You can't spend decades reading and only have those two (very good, let me be clear) books on your hit list.

If Sarah Palin is a nerd, then I'm prom queen. I really feel very strongly about this. You can't grow up as a superstar teen and then try to play your past as a brainy outcast so you seem relatable. Can't have it both ways, sister.

I better stop because I keep getting angrier and angrier at Sarah Palin.

My Rotten Life: Nathan Abercrombie, Accidental Zombie by David Lubar

Carlos and I listened to this on CD while we were driving to and from Spokane the week before my birthday. It was a fun, fast-paced book, meant for about Carlos' age group. It took a few cues from Harry Potter (likable everyman hero, goofy-but-loyal best friend, genius female sidekick) but was still reasonably original. Also played around with the ideas of zombiehood in some interesting ways.

The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katharine Paterson

Another one from the Banned Books List. Another strong piece from Ms. Paterson. It's about a little girl who has been in foster care for most of her life and is (understandably) angry at the world and slow to trust anyone. Of course, she gets taken in by a diverse cast of characters and comes to love them. That part was predictable. The ending was not. Really good book.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

It's kind of embarrassing to admit that I read this, especially since it wasn't for any project or goal. I read it because Natasha Parker of The Mormon Therapist recommended Hold Me Tight as a good book about relationships and she is my favorite Mormon blogger and speaks a lot of truth. Anyway, this book had some very interesting ideas about attachment theory as it related to adult relationships rather than just parent-child relationships. I think she is pretty spot-on. This would be a good book to get on your Kindle so nobody in public would know you were reading it.

A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck

I thought this book was a true story until I finished it. As it turns out, it sounds like it was kinda one of those "Walter Kurtz" type deals where the author writes a book about a main character with his name and his exact life even though it is supposedly fictional. There is a really graphic description of a pig being slaughtered which made me really sad, but is apparently super accurate, so I can maybe understand why this book was banned. But I think the story is really important, and taught me a lot about Shaker life, a religion I knew very little about beforehand.

Gooney Bird and the Room Mother by Lois Lowry

Another of Lowry's books for younger children. Super cute. Would be great to read to a K-2 class. Reveal at the end caught me totally off guard. I like it when books do that.

The Willoughbys by Lois Lowry

This book reminded me of Lemony Snicket's sense of humor. By which I mean it was awesome. It is also a about smart orphans and dumb adults. I would totally read this to a 4-6 class.

Cancer Vixen by Marisa Acocella Marcello

Yup, another autobiographical graphic novel. By a woman! Exciting!

I think I am going to send a copy of this to my mom because it's about beating cancer and that's what she did.

Sometimes I have a hard time relating to stories, most of which are by women, where the main plotline is like "I was super rich and sexy and glamorous and then this super-hard thing happened to me and now I know what's really important and I brought a turkey dinner to Bob Cratchit's house!" Mostly because I am neither rich nor sexy nor glamorous. But whatevs. This is still a really good book. It makes me wish I knew more Italians (shout out to ma Pearce girls).

Strangers in Paradise, book 1 by Terry Moore

Do you like lesbian-homoerotic-crime-thriller-graphic novels????

Me too. Here is a book that may interest you.

Not really much else to say about this ... I had no idea what it was about when I started (aimless library browsing once again) and by the time I realized that the love triangle was two chicks and a dude, I was like, but what's gonna happen when the mafia finds out? And I had to finish it.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Also, this book is one of very few books where one of the main characters is an overweight woman and the essence of her characters is not TO BE AN OVERWEIGHT WOMAN. She has a role outside of that. Know what I mean?

Feminism is Not Ded

Temping is a suitable short-term career path for me because I have a very short attention span and like to dabble. If I had to perform some of the occasionally mindless tasks that I do as a temp day in and day out for months on end, my soul would probably die, but as it stands, with me doing something for a few hours or a few days at a time, I usually enjoy whatever it is I have to do, even if it is boring. Also, I feel like I get a nice miniature vision of many different fields and companies. It's like every day is Take Elisa to Work Day.

If I were to make a list of the things I have learned through temping, it would probably consist of all the different filing systems I have learned, how many phone lines I can manage, blah blah blah. I do not think I would list what I learned to do today, which is to assemble and transport 52 mannequins.

Today I worked at a mid-fashion clothing company that I have never heard of before, and for privacy's sake won't list here, but let's just say it's akin to those California-infused preppy clothing stores you see in the mall like PacSun, Aeropostale and such. I was told that I would be performing manual labor of some sort, so I dressed accordingly in jeans, and showed up at the corporate office at eight o'clock this morning.

My supervisor and both my co-workers were male, and here is where the feminism thing comes in. I noticed that I did not seem especially welcome at this position, which was unloading large boxes from a truck. My co-workers talked to each other but not to me, and my supervisor was polite but gave instructions as to exactly what we were doing while I wasn't, technically, there. This got me a little bit on edge, because I figured that they didn't want me around because they assumed, as a woman, I wouldn't be able to lift said boxes. This hurt my pride especially because I am pretty strong, even though I am short. Ever since I was nine or ten (and keep in mind at that age I more resembled a fifteen or sixteen year-old) my dad went to me when he needed help with lifting heavy objects or working on fix-it type stuff, because my brothers were too young. I won't pretend to be able to compete with, like, professional construction workers, but I can definitely hold my own with a couple of doughy office workers.

This turned out to be true.

After we unloaded the boxes I noticed that one of my co-worker's attitudes had changed. He smiled at me and acted friendly. Success! I had proved my worth, video-game style. But the other one still wouldn't even look me in the eye, which gave me a medium-sized chip on my shoulder. His attitude made me feel like I had something to prove, so as we started on out next task, I determined that I was going to be the BEST DAMN MANNEQUIN ASSEMBLER OF ALL TIME.

Here's the thing about being a working woman, at least in my experience. Most of the time, in more cerebral environments like school, blue collar offices and (more often than not) church, I feel like the general M.O. is pretty merit-based and doesn't have that much to do with gender. In my classes in college, for example, I usually felt like I was judged based on my abilities alone. But if I'm in an environment where it still feels like a male-dominated arena (i.e. factory work, manual labor, etc) I immediately assume that everybody there assumes I can't do whatever it is we're supposed to do simply because I am a woman. I start out with something to prove, which is maybe silly because probably a lot of the time no one is thinking anything bad about me in the first place. It's totally dumb.

Anyway, so we started taking the mannequins out of the box, putting them together and wheeling them over to the elevator to eventually be taken upstairs. I should mention that this was an amusingly awkward job because the mannequins were all male. It was impossible to put them together or move them around without grabbing embarrassing parts of their anatomy. The height adjustment valve was very poorly placed and required me to stand in what appeared to be a rather compromising position, with my hand in an embarrassing place. These mannequins were also packing like James Bond on a mission. Don't think I'm just a pervert or a ten year-old boy in a twenty-six year-old woman's body, because every single person who walked into the lobby where we were assembling the mannequins snickered like crazy. This was an Austin Powers level of obvious, entrendre-wise.

Anyway, so the second co-worker and I were able to joke around for a few minutes, then he went upstairs and left me with this other guy who obviously really didn't like me. I hadn't said anything to him at all, so I was left to assume that he had a problem with me because I was a woman. As we pulled out the headless torsos, which by the way smelled like hemp, I thought about the state of feminism in our country, and how in so many ways, we have so far to go.

Finally--FINALLY--this guy turned to me and asked me what "I like to do." I'm terrible at answering that question, by the way. I think I need to take up knitting again so I have an easy answer.

"Oh," I said. "I like, um, swimming, and ... sci-fi."

His pasty face lit up. "Really? Me too!"

And then we were friends and talked about nerdy things for the rest of the afternoon.

THE END

MORAL: Sometimes someone appears mean and scary but it turns out they are more afraid of you then you are of them (like bears, and not like that little girl from The Ring). For example, maybe you think someone doesn't like you because he doesn't like working with women, but it turns out he is actually just afraid of all women, except ones who are equally excited about Tron Legacy.

Not Being Naked: day 15

I put on clothes today, guys!! A dress, even.

black t-shirt + black leggings + short red dress + no shoes = 10/10 for comfort and bliss

Things I am Thankful for:

1. My badass family

2. My beautiful friends

3. Good music

4. Star Wars

5. Tofurkey

6. Jim Henson

7. Sego

8. Podcasts

9. Texting

10. Hot water

11. Cuddling

12. Jesus

13. Snow days

14. Being barefoot

15. Scrabble

16. Books

17. Missions

18. Persimmons

19. Lists

20. Everything

Not Being Naked: day 14 and Being in Pajamas: Day 1

When going to your second grad school interview, it is crucial to DRESS FOR SUCCESS. Unfortunately, when SNOWPOCALYPSE 2010 hits Seattle the same day your interview is scheduled, that makes dressing for success exceedingly difficult.

The original plan was to wear other white blouse + other grey pencil skirt + black hooker boots + opal earrings (won by my mom at a casino) = 10/10 for sexy and professional (sexessional?). But that would simply not be warm enough. So I added my black leggings and this blue sweater (thrifted) which isn't in the mix, but is the warmest sweater I own.

I also added a hat (forever 21) + gloves (came with a cardigan I bought at like JC Penney or something) + and my black fake leather jacket + wool socks (Costco).

I was still not that warm, but it was better than the original plan, which would have resulted in an Elisa popsicle (Elisicle?). Also, driving on 1-5 at 20 MPH is creepy, but I lived.

And finally, today should have been day 15 but I spent the entire day in my pajamas, hanging out with this guy:

Why is the ground all weird? I fear change.

And rereading the email I received congratulating me on being admitted to UW's Masters in Teaching program. Yay!!!

My dog hates me.

So today Judith and I were perusing Target and I insisted we check out the cheap Halloween candy. I was then immediately sideswiped by the Halloween decor/costume aisle which proclaimed:

90 PERCENT OFF. Hells yeah.

These FOUR dog costumes cost me a grand total of 4.16

Bumblebee. This one is my favorite I think.

White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. A little big, needs some minor alterations.

Headless horseman from the Ichabod Crane stories (you can't really see,

but that's a headless dude with a pumpkin head riding him)

Hot dog. Get it?

He may or may not have spent the rest of the evening hiding from me.

Anyone need cheering up?

This should do it. Delightful.

It took me a second ... wait ... how do I know that voice ... JOHN RATZENBERGER!!

I was a little young for Cheers, OK?

An Inventory.

Tonight I did an inventory of my life. I do this when I start to feel bored or annoyed with my goals and accomplishments, which honestly, isn't super often. I don't share the whole list with anyone because it's too personal and even (especially?) those of you who love me the most would judge me for it. But, allow me to present a numerical break-down.

Years I have lived: 25

Years I will live according to this website: 105 (Word of Wisdom, biatches!)

Years I have left: 80

Goals I have:

Total: 82

Accomplished: 12

Goals that require me to be married or close to it: 5

Goals that require me to have children: 2

Goals that I can do whenever the hell I want: 63

So you know, there's that.

If I start talking a lot about Scrabble tournaments and hot air balloon rides and travelling to the East China Sea,* you'll now know where it's coming from.

*These are all actual life goals.

Poll Results.

The poll is closed, and the results are in. I am disappointed that so many of you dishonest doofuses claimed to be my mother. I only have one. Sheesh.

In accordance with the people, the picture stays the same. This will save me time and effort, so thanks.

xoxoxxoxox

ek

This is why I like my friends.

Take note. In this short exchange, we have:

1. 2 bad movie references.

2. 2 mock hip hop references.

3. 1 miscellaneous pop culture reference.

4. 1 comic book reference.

5. 1 penis joke.

6. 1 rhetorical analysis of said penis joke.

7. 2 vocabulary words.

The people I like are cooler than all the people you like.

The Seven Deadly Sins, Day 1: Greed

I haven't decided exactly what I want to do with this week's theme--if it should be a reflection on a specific example or a list, or just a free-write. So, in the seat-of-my-pants spirit that birthed blogging back in the '90s, I am just going to start writing and see what comes of it.

I think I am about as greedy as the average American. I don't care as much about having nice things as some people, but I would like, for example, an iPhone. I don't even know why. Wait! Yes I do! Because of the Google Maps app. Anyway, I also buy clothes at thrift stores even when I probably shouldn't.

Right now I cannot afford to be greedy because I have lots and lots of medical bills. However, that did not stop me from buying a six-dollar book today. I shan't tell you what book it was.

Greedy also has a non-acquisition connotation, I suppose. Of all the Deadly Sins, Greed is the only one that relates directly to coveting, which is one of the Ten Commandments. Or rather, NOT coveting is one of the Ten Commandments. That makes sense because if you want something but don't want to earn it for yourself, that might cause you to break other commandments like "Thou Shalt Not Kill" or "Thou Shalt Not Use Credit Cards."

Wait a second! Coveting is more related to envy than greed, isn't it? Eh, it's kind of a toss-up.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I am PISSED that I no longer have access to the OED through the BYU library. That should have been a lifelong perk, for crying out loud! Was that a greedy thing to say? Shut up.

Anyway, the markedly inferior Merriam-Webster dictionary defines Greed thusly:

"A selfish desire for more of something than is needed."

That makes sense. So if I want an iPhone, that's not greed, but rather coveting, but if I want TWO iPhones for some strange reason, that's greed.

I don't want two iPhones, so I guess I'm solid. Next.

Just kidding! I don't know if I have anything else to say about Greed, though. Except I didn't know it was a backformation from the adjective "greedy." I thought it was the other way around. Who knows if the stupid Merriam-Websters even know what they're talking about, though. I SERIOUSLY CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT THE OED.

I think the only thing that I genuinely want more of than I need is food. Which we'll save for Day Five.

OK, done. I'm not even going to edit this.

I Can't Believe I Haven't Blogged About X, Day 2: Science Fiction

This may shock you, because it kinda shocked me, but I have NEVER WRITTEN ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE FICTION ON MY BLOG. This is one of those massive, embarrassing oversights that needs to be corrected, STAT. It's true, I have mentioned offhand my love of Star Wars and Star Trek a couple times, but, much like my ode to sandwiches yesterday, which I hope you all enjoyed (And thanks for the recipe, Aims!) I have not yet given my love of science fiction its due. So, here it is.

I love any movie or television series that is set in space. Or any movie that centers around science fiction, however remotely. You know Hugh Dancy's character in The Jane Austen Book Club? Pretty much my dream dude.

My family didn't have a lot of traditions when I was growing up. At least, not ones that I can remember. However, one weekly tradition that I still recall with fondness was sitting together in our living room and watching Star Trek: the Next Generation every week. My parents got the off-white couch that was actually a hide-a-bed (which was so heavy that we cursed its existence every time we moved ... which was often) and I got the green bean bag chair which was filled with ACTUAL BEANS. Around season five of the show, the beans started leaking out and driving my mother crazy. She took to vacuuming during the closing theme each week.

Non-believers will mock me for saying this, but Star Trek really does have something for everyone. In any given episode of TNG, there was usually a romantic/human interest subplot and an action/adventure subplot. There would be moments of humor and tenderness and tension all packed into one glorious hour. My dad is very much a heavy-handed crime show/sci-fi kind of guy, whereas my mom leans much more towards light-hearted mystery novels and romantic comedies. At the time, I was like six and enjoyed anything with interesting-looking people that I could pretend to be on the playground. We all thoroughly enjoyed Star Trek. It was a really, really good show.

I never watched Star Trek: the Original Series, but I watched Next Generation and Voyager faithfully. My parents were really into Deep Space Nine, but when that show was on the air I was too immature to understand the slightly more mature thematic elements that characterized DS9, and was thus easily bored by it. By the time Enterprise came along, I was living on my own without a television. I would say that my love of Star Trek lay dormant for many years, for although I watched the one season I had of it on DVD when no one else was home (until an insane klepto roommate made off with it a few years ago) I never really admitted to liking Star Trek in public. Then, one day, I saw this preview at the Cinemark 16 in Provo, Utah and I very nearly pissed my pants with excitement. J.J. Abrams, I may not love all you do, man (*cough cough LOST cough cough*) but thank you, good sir, for making Star Trek sexy again. Assuming it ever was.

The truth is, I have always really loved and admired the Star Trek universe, and by extension all Science Fiction universes, even though some of its most ardent devotees are admittedly kinda crazy. My dad made me watch Star Wars on a fairly regular basis as a child because he felt I was too "full of passion" (probably true) and needed to be reminded of the danger of succumbing to pure emotions such as anger. He also made me meditate all the time. I wish I were joking. Perhaps this tainted my fond memories of Star Wars with a little bit of daddy issues, but I still really enjoy the movies, so don't worry. I plan to continue the Thanksgiving tradition I totally stole from my Provo family (specifically Ekitzel) of watching all three Star Wars movies after Thanksgiving dinner (the original theatrical versions, for crying out loud). Future husband, you have been warned.

I think the reason why Star Trek appeals to me slightly more than Star Wars is that it is more orderly and humane, and thus a lot less realistic. Everything in the Star Trek world is clean and generally peaceful, and even when people die, there isn't any blood. That was the kind of life I craved during my topsy turvy childhood. Star Wars is messy and scuffed and people are just as complex and greedy as they are in real life. It was still escapist, mind you, but slightly less so. In the Star Trek future they don't even have money! It's a liberal dreamland!

Oh, my gosh. Is Star Trek the reason I became a Socialist?

Star Trek is the future I wish for, even though Star Wars is the future we are more likely to get.

One more sob from my ovaries.

I would like to promise that this will be the last baby-related post for a while.

But I can't promise that. I'm sorry.

Seriously, she is CO CUTE, right? Not to mention precocious. Who crawls like that at six months? Nobody, that's who.

On Narwals.

Here is a haiku I wrote in a writing workshop with two ten year-old boys.

Narwal queen and king

dancing in the ocean breeze.

They will stab your face.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I am a ten year-old boy in a twenty-five year-old woman's body.

CELEBRITY CRUSHES

After such a heavy post earlier this week, I thought I would lighten things up a bit, in an effort to bring some balance to the Universe. You're welcome. Also, I am very excited to announce that, after a lengthy stint at the top, "Man sucking boobs milk video" has FINALLY ceased to become my number one search term on Google Analytics. This is a happy day. It dropped all the way to number four, even. This really is excellent news.

I have no idea how that search leads to my blog, so don't ask.

Anyway, so last night I was at the temple, minding my own business, and a very nice and presumably well-meaning woman came up to me and said, "You have such a pretty dress! Is that your WEDDING dress?"

Here's a Multiple Choice Question. Did I:

A. Burst into tears.

B. Punch her in the face.

C. Both A and B.

D. Smile politely and respond with something I forget what I said exactly, but it wasn't bitter or mean.

The answer is, of course, D. Raise your hand if you're proud of me.

Thank you, thank you.

I got to thinking, though, that not being in a relationship is actually pretty fabulous for lots of reasons, one being that I can listen to this song and it's kinda like a double entendre and two, CELEBRITY CRUSHES!!!!!

I always feel guilty lusting after other men whilst concurrently lusting after a real live man with flaws, especially when he is in the same room or theater with me. But if all I got is imaginary crushes, less stress for me! I have got it made.

Here are some famous people that I have crushes on. This is just a small sampling and is by no means exhaustive.

I would TOTS have sex with Christopher Walken mostly because of this music video. He is smart, funny, mysterious, and can dance. Also, he is from Queens. WIN. I know a lot of people think he has a scary face, but sometimes scary is sexy. Also, I am attracted to his mind, you shallow, shallow jerk.

According to IMDB.com, he has been married to the same woman since 1969, which is both awesome and not good, depending on how seriously I start taking this celebrity crush. Also, I found out just now that he is older than my mom. I don't care.

First of all, hi, Batman. Christian Bale was THE BEST Batman. Better than Michael Keaton, better than Val Kilmer, and CERTAINLY better than George Clooney. I mean, really. I love comic books and I would say I love Batman equally as much as X-men, slightly more than Spiderman and significantly more than Superman, especially after the latest Superman movie, which I hated. My point is, Christian Bale as Batman is really really great.

Also, hi, NEWSIES. Watching Newsies was one of the first times I realized I was attracted to men. Newsies was for most girls my age what Leia's brass bikini in Return of the Jedi was for lots of little boys. If you catch my meaning.

And finally, Rescue Dawn. He's actually not that hot in that movie. But it's a really IMPORTANT movie, and I respect him for being in it, especially since he lost so much weight for the role and I think ate a real snake too. That's badass. It might even make up for the fact that he drinks way, way too much alcohol and is reportedly kind of a douche. NEVER STOPPED ME FROM LOVING SOMEONE BEFORE.

If you think I am talking about you right now, I am not.

Lastly, Alan Rickman. I might only love him because Sense and Sensibility is such a great film, in my opinion better than Pride and Prejudice, or it could be because he was in Galaxy Quest and that movie is really hilarious.

Clearly, I have a thing for deep voices. Don't even get me started on how I feel about Eddie Vedder.

Here is a representative quote which proves I also love Mr. Rickman for his mind:

"I do feel more myself in America. I can regress there, and they have roller-coaster parks."

Oh Alan I would ride a roller-coaster with you ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. Even though IMDB just informed me that you are, in fact, the same age as my mom. I can forgive you for that, as well as for cheating on Emma Thompson in Love Actually.

Oh my gosh, I almost forgot about Die Hard. I love that movie.