23 December, 2008
Two Crucial Requests
I know that the holidays are upon us (Holidays, coming from the term Holy Days ... which leaves Kwanzaa out, most assuredly, because it has no religious significance whatsoever ... but no one I know celebrates Kwanzaa, especially the black people I know, who I think would be insulted if I assumed that they did ... anyway), but there are two things I need from you, my dear friends.
One, could you, this very evening, get on your knees and say a substantial prayer that I will be chosen for this class? It's a screenwriting class that you can enroll in by application only. Here are five reasons why this is really, really, important to me.
1. There is a stipend. Meaning, money for just being in the class. Note that the stipend has nothing to do with whether or not you "do well" in the class. That's right. Free money and credit.
2. There are not very many classes at BYU or elsewhere that have an application process. Meaning that if one is in the class one was chosen. Being chosen is basically the same as winning. I love winning.
3. This will show all the dumb kids that teased me in high school, both my ex-boyfriends, other boys that wouldn't talk to me because I had/have glasses, and my three female cousins who are older than me and always got to do the things I wanted to do without me, that I was chosen to be in a special class with a stipend. Equals, ultimate revenge.
4. It will be the gateway for future fame and glory. I just know it.
5. I love to write. It is my passion and I would love an opportunity to experience a real professional writing environment.
Psych! I just want the stipend.
Pray for me guys. Seriously. OK. Now that you're all on board with that, onto favor number two.
Screenwriting is really, really cool. Thus, only really, really cool people can participate in it, and only really cool people will get chosen to participate in a screenwriting class, which is the gateway to screenwriting fame and fortune. I am positive about this.
Here's the problem, though. I am not cool. I am a four-eyed, chubby nerd with few friends. I am not a sweet awesome hipster like I'm sure Matt Groening is (see above photo). I still love and accept myself, but these people will not! We all went to high school! Cool people are RUTHLESS!! Here is my plan to combat my squarosity:
1. Glasses. No big deal. Wear contacts.
2. Ten pounds overweight. Wear loose-fitting, billowy clothing that is the style of late, which will cover up self. Make sure NOBODY TOUCHES me, because then they would find out where fabric ends and I begin.
3. Nerd factor. DO NOT mention Star Trek, literature (except appropriately hip literature) or being Mormon. Mormon is totally nerdy. Don't talk about anything weird. This one will be hard.
4. Lots of friends. This is the real challenge, folks. What I am going to do? Bring my "posse" to the interview? No! There is no interview! Just an email application. However, I have a blog. Did you know that? There is a feature on blogger that allows you to ACTUALLY MEASURE HOW MANY FRIENDS YOU HAVE and, by extension, how cool you are.
This feature is called "following."
Lest you all bust out your catsuits and night-vision goggles prematurely, allow me to explain that following me does not involve any physical effort on your part. All you have to do is go to my blog (Oh my goodness! You're here now, aren't you?), go to the section that reads "people that follow this blog" and click on "follow this blog." That's it!
I promise that if you do this and I make myself cool enough to be chosen for this class, I will give you a concrete share of the fame and fortune I will someday receive. That's a promise you can take right to the bank. Metaphorically speaking.
Posted by Elisa at 22:08