25 December, 2011

The Sexiest Men Alive According to Elisa This Year

 Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you're excited for your gift.

Two bloggers I love and admire (but only one of whom I know) have recently set forth their opinions on how very wrong the good, but misguided, folks at People Magazine were when they put together their yearly "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. I would have to agree with both of them that People Mag's opinions, while appropriately heteronormative and allowably shallow, are far from spot on. Bradley Cooper? Eh. Here are my opinions on who the real, actual sexiest men alive are this year. Don't worry, I will be judging entirely on superficial characteristics. And you're welcome in advance, ladies/men who can be inspired to greatness from these sterling examples of HAWT-itude.

Ryan Gosling

Best to get this out of the way as soon as possible. People Mag. was right to list him as ONE of the sexiest men alive, but to not feature those blue eyes and that boyish grin on the cover? It's morally wrong. Ryan Gosling is God's gift to hetero ladies everywhere. Everybody thinks so. Also, man knows how to grow a beard. Let's face it. He's magical.

 Not to mention that he is featured on this amazing website which integrates two of my favorite things: gorgeous men and feminist theory.

Jason Segel

This picture should pretty much say everything about why I adore this man.

 Jason Segel is one of the few people who openly adores puppets as much as I do (he wrote and performed the puppet musical in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and in the recent Muppets reboot). Which is one million points right there. Additionally, he plays the charming, offbeat, extremely tall Marshall Erikson on How I Met Your Mother, one of my favorite shows out there. Love those boyish good looks coupled with disarming pseudo-awkwardness. Plus the occasional beard.

 Adorable infinity.

Zachary Quinto

I know what you're thinking. "C'mon, Elisa! You're only choosing this guy because he was on J.J. Abrams' 2009 summer blockbuster Star Trek!!" And my response to you is: well, not only. 

 I suppose it's my inner Eastern European that goes crazy for thick dark hair, even when it extends to the eyebrows. Additionally, I have a thing for noses. You know what they say. Quinto has all that going on and more. Look at that smile (which you don't really get to see in Star Trek). Look at that stubble! He has as much handsomeness as he has hair!

Not that it matters because I only care how people look and not about what's in their hearts or minds, but Zachary Quinto seems to be a genuinely kind, compassionate person, as evidenced by his Twitter feed and his contribution to the "It Gets Better" campaign.

Speaking of, he came out of the closet this past year, which was disappointing for me, to say the least. Nevertheless, I wish him luck in bringing happiness to some ridiculously lucky guy.

Seriously, some guys have all the luck.

Jason Sudeikis 

 I challenge you to name one funny sketch from SNL this year that did not prominently feature Jason S. OK, there might have been one or two. But Jason Sudeikis is the best thing that show has going on at the moment, and not just because of his cool last name. Who am I kidding, though? I don't care if a guy is funny! All I care about are looks. And he has those, too.

Yum. Also, yes, I am aware that he is the second Jason. 

Some of you may have picked up on an emerging pattern, so I will set your mind at ease right now: yes, I do love White guys with boyish smiles and who are maybe a little out of shape (AKA snuggly). This has nothing to do with my own body issues at all. Nor does my penchant for facial hair have anything to do with my personal self-consciousness about my lady-stache. I just want a man to be bigger and hairier than me, OK? To make me feel better about myself. Jeez.

I also like dudes that are funny and a little bit nerdy, except not really because I only care about physical features and not about personality characteristics at all AS STATED PREVIOUSLY. And empirically speaking, J.S. is gorgeous. Have you seen his mustache in Going the Distance? He and Charlie Day made that movie watchable. And buy-at-Safeway-able.

Alan Tudyk 

Yes, he was on Arrested Development and Firefly. Yes, I would love him even if he were not on either of those awesome shows.

Oh, look, another boyish White snuggly dude with the odd bout of facial hair (just not in this photo)! Did you think I would be bored of them by now? Of course I am not. Alan Tudyk is completely 100% adorable. He can even rock a Hawaiian shirt if his character calls for it. That is saying a lot because Hawaiian shirts are gross. He is also smart and funny. But who cares about that.

Seriously, I would play dinosaurs with this guy any day of the week. If you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean?

Lastly, when called upon the man has a very sexy way of dance (possibly NSFW if your boss is super uptight). This video was clearly shot at some sort of nerdy con which makes me love him all the more.

Lyman Johnson

Question: does a Whiter name exist in the whole world? Answer: nope.

Do you watch "The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl?" If you don't, you are seriously missing out on some quality television. Go watch it right now. And after you have done so, we can get together at Aurora Donuts and drink whole milk and squee over White Jay. Because he is perfect.

See what I mean? He rocks the funny hair with the boyish grin and makes me believe it. See also: the beard. He also has an engineering degree, but who cares because I just want him to stay at home and wait for me every day when I come home from school.

Am I right, ladies/GBTQ dudes? Suh-woon.

Donald Glover

Granted, the rest of these guys except for Zachary Quinto have kind of all looked the same, but I want to make it abundantly clear that I find all races and creeds attractive, especially when they are funny and know how to rap. Enter: Childish Gambino AKA another guy with a kinda White-sounding name.

 I also definitely have a thing for glasses even if they are fake. 

Donald Glover is currently the best part of the best show on the air (-ish), Community. He is funny, charming and has good jeans. He's also talented at whatever he chooses to do outside of the show, which lately is do stand up and release hip hop EPs. He's totally awesome. Also, if you're not currently watching Community you should start watching it right now, because if you don't it might go off the air permanently and it would be all your fault for not supporting it.

And also because damn, right? 

I hope you all enjoyed these pictures of attractive men that I got you for Christmas, because unless you are my mom I definitely didn't get you anything else. 


18 December, 2011

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE (In lieu of Christmas cards this year)

Not that I've ever done those, either.

Please download and listen to these songs while imagine one of the following scenarios:

1. We are driving together on a stretch of highway, singing these songs at the top of our lungs.
2. We are sitting by a fire, drinking chocolate soy milk and talking about politics.
3. We are knitting socks in a loft and eating fresh vegetables.

I think that covers everyone. Enjoy. xoxo

Click here to download 

15 December, 2011

From the archives: December 15, 2004

Wishing you one of those days...

College has made me dislike Christmas. Why, finals week, why? Why must you precede the fun-filled and significant celebration of Christ's birth? Why must I get through you before there can be any semblance of holiday cheer?

It's like having my teeth knocked out so I can have some ice cream.

03 December, 2011


I know I've been AWOL for a while, but I feel bad apologizing for it, especially considering that it probably won't be changing anytime soon. I make no promises to blog more before August 2012. Promises will only disappoint.

That being said, here is a three-panel summary of how I have felt about this quarter (outside my placement classroom, which is full of 32 of the most sassy, curious, grabby, impolite, adorable little 8 year-olds you can imagine, who delight and challenge me every single day).

This is from here. The original can be found here.

I am looking forward immensely to next quarter, which will be three times the amount of classroom work and half the amount of time on campus. Hopefully next quarter I will be visited by the Heavens with professors who are nice, interesting and helpful, rather than a distinctly less appealing smaller combination of the aforementioned qualities.

This fall, I have one professor who is nice and helpful but not interesting; one who is interesting and helpful but not nice; one who is nice and interesting but not helpful; and one who is none of the above. Two are blessedly all three, but one of those classes ended almost a month ago, and one good teacher is hardly sustainable right before Christmas.

Speaking of good teachers, I think I am going to be one. Today I got so excited about a curriculum I would like to plan that I have been researching it for a few hours. I pity those people who haven't found something they love so much they would research it on a Friday night after coming home from a social engagement. What are you waiting for? Go figure it out!

21 November, 2011

From the archives: November 21, 2004

Tonight I watched Sleeping Beauty all the way through for the first time

After the evil witch Mafeficant (sp?) gets killed.

Me: Man, none of this would have happened if they had just invited her to the party. So the message of this movie is: invite everybody to the party.

17 November, 2011

From the archives: November 17, 2004

RIP Kierkegaard

Of course, it would be the vegetarian in the apartment who accidentally drops the pet fish down the disposal.
Oh, the paralyzing guilt....

11 October, 2011

From the archives: October 11, 2004

Actual conversation with my roommates

Important detail: I gave blood today.

Scene: Elisa and Hediyeh, having returned from grocery shopping, are putting said groceries away and talking to Nancy and Alli.

Hediyeh: Hey, Elisa has a crazy story to tell you guys.
Me: I passed out in Brother Bott's class.
Hediyeh: NO! The other crazy story!
Me: (mystified) What?
Hediyeh: About how your friend got engaged after knowing the guy for 13 days.
Me: Oh. Uh, my friend got exchanged after knowing the guy for 13 days.
Alli: Wow.

Dude, I am so in love with Provo it's not even funny.

11 September, 2011

My best friend

had an elaborate plan when we were in high school on how she was going to meet her future husband. Her plan was to attend art school in Florida, get hired as a Disney animator to work on some sort of cartoon about outer space, and, while sketching at NASA headquarters, meet her husband, who of course would be an astronaut.

Things ended up going slightly differently, but of course she still got her happily ever after.

I, on the other hand, am free to fantasize about these handsome blokes:

These are some NASA astronauts from the 1960s. Seven originals members of the Mercury missions, pictured here during survival training in the Nevada desert. The gentleman front and center is my favorite. Possibly because I have a thing for noses?

Image courtesy of here.

Sometimes I feel sad I wasn't an adult in the 1960s. Then I remember the pilot of Mad Men and I'm like, oh yeah.

04 September, 2011

On Third Grade.

Things I remember from Third Grade:

1. I turned 9.
2. We moved from the house I had lived in since I was 5, to the same house I am currently living in.
3. At one point I hid in the school library for an entire afternoon and the school almost called the police.
4. It is the first year I can remember being able to write anything longer than a few sentences.
5. We did a unit about the brain/optical illusions. This is when I learned that those damn Magic Eye posters don't work if you only have one eye.
6. My dad worked nights at the post office, so we had to be quiet during the day so he could sleep (this actually might have been fourth grade).
7. I wore a lot of tie dye and vests. My hair was shoulder length.
8. My best friend Molly and I read palms for play money on Market Day.
9. I got teased for months because a group of boys saw me picking my nose.
10. I was so nervous about the first day of school that I got hives all over my body and had to stay home.

I think about teaching a classroom full of kids that are eight-turning-nine and I feel like they are so young and small. But I don't recall feeling small or young in third grade.

My cooperating teacher is in her sixties. She has a dry, wry sense of humor that I'm curious to see if she shares with the kids. I would categorize her as old school, but in a nice way, not an intimidating way. She's very organized and crafty. She made a joke about growing marijuana to supplement her income during our initial interview. That's when I decided I liked her.

The kids in my class are split about even between boys and girls, and approximately into fourths in terms of race: Hispanic, Black, White and Asian. Most of them were at the same school last year. I don't know why I'm thinking abut them this late on a Sunday. I guess I haven't stopped thinking about them since I saw their list of names.

02 September, 2011

From the archives: September 2, 2004

Humorous quotes from my professors! *cymbal crash*

"English spelling is ... disgusting."
Professor Skousen

"'Whom did you see at the dance?' Now you could say this, maybe to one of your rommates. But you would be branded as some sort of weird ... English Major or something."
Professor Skousen

"I don't know what it is with Mormons and food. Have any of you ever been to a church activity, not including the three-hour block on Sunday, wherein there was no food available? Anybody? [no one in the class of 250 raises their hand]. See? Also, I've noticed that we tend to substitute ice cream for alcohol. You know, normal people, if they want to go out casually with someone of the opposite sex, they go out for drinks. But Mormons, they hit up Baskin and Robbins for a quick ice cream, and if they don't like each other, they just take off."
Professor Campbell

"I am proud to say that I missed my grandfather's funeral to attend class out of fear of missing school. Grandpa was proud too, I suspect, since he taught school in Canada, back when going to school was an honor."
Professor Sorenson

"Welcome to English 325. English grammar. How thrilling."
Professor Skousen

"I did not choose to major in Philosophy, nay, but rather I realized that I had been a philosopher all along and just did not realize it. This is not a career path that one would consciously choose. If I could, I'd be really good at ... business. Or something."
Professor Foster

"The death penalty, you have to admit, caters to this Old Testament sense of justice that we use only when it suits our purposes. Really, I don't see any point in killing more people after the fact, especially since we let them live twenty years before we do it anyway."
Professor Sorenson

"Thank you so much for coming to this department meeting! Please help yourself to the refreshments available out in the open-air atrium ... and by that I mean the sidewalk."
The Department Head (I didn't catch his name, or else I just forgot it)

24 August, 2011

My Grand Return, Dedicated to Vilja Johnson

Yesterday I was chatting with the abovementioned college friend about the fact that I have not blogged in a while. Yes, there has been the odd post, but I actually wrote those over six months ago and scheduled their release ahead of time. Haha tricked you. Anyway.

I was explaining to her that I feel it’s very important for me to keep blogging while I student teach (starting in a few short weeks WTF), because the memories and experiences of my first “real” year of teaching will be invaluable in the future. On the other hand, I articulated to Vilja, I do so much writing in grad school it’s the last thing I feel like doing for fun. I already express myself so thoroughly in my schoolwork that I don’t feel much of a need for self-expression outside of it.

Then Vilja said, quote, “Nooooo!!! Funny stories!!!!”

Dammit, she’s right. This blog is for the funny stories! So I dedicate any funny stories I write in the next few weeks to you, V. Luckily for her and maybe you as well, my recent "summer vacation" was excellent fodder for the same.

Funny Story Number 1: I am upstaged by a natural disaster

Some/a few of you may know that over the weekend, I went to New York City for a friend’s wedding. It was a beautiful weekend filled with friends, puppets (I saw Avenue Q AND the Jim Henson exhibit at the MOTMI … amazing) and visiting the ancestral island of the Wu Tang Clan. Overall, a wonderful five-day break from school. However, if I could do it all again, I probably would come home two days early instead of midnight the night before. I’m boarding the plane on the plane to Seattle right now, and something tells me that I am going to be very, very tired at my 9AM class tomorrow.

The only two things that you need to know for this story, however, is that I was staying with my cousin in Brooklyn and that the Brooklyn Bridge is currently undergoing some maintenance construction.

Oh! One other thing that is important to know for this story is that I have a thing for being hydrated, and love my water bottle as if it were my own dear child. I left it at a friend’s house last weekend and it was like a part of me was gone.

Okay, exposition over. Here we go.

Scene: Sunday. My cousin and I were walking across the Brooklyn Bridge (which is gorgeous, by the way). The construction obstructed certain parts of the view, but it was a lovely walk nonetheless.

While we were walking, I asked my cousin, “So, why are they doing construction on the bridge? Are they earthquake proofing it or something?”

“Oh no,” she said, with ironic foreshadowing. “New York doesn’t have earthquakes.”

Scene: Monday night. Said cousin and I walk to a tortilla factory/restaurant in Brooklyn and get tacos. It is a super authentic, hole-in-the-wall, INCREDIBLY delicious, cash-only taco extravaganza. Every taco I eat in the future will be compared to those. Then we went home, ate ice cream and watched The Daily Show. Crazy New York party time.

Scene: Tuesday afternoon. I am packing and realize with a minor amount of panic that my water bottle is missing. I look in all the usual places, to no avail. Then I remember I had it at the table with me at the taco place the previous evening, and concluded I must have left it there.

Walking around Brooklyn is awesome, by the way. Reminds me of Sesame Street (or maybe Sesame Street reminds me of Brooklyn?). I get to the taco place, stand in line for a minute and ask if anyone found a pink water bottle on the tables last night. Then I remember that one of the charming, authentic aspects of this taco place is: nobody speaks English. We even wrote our orders in Spanish the previous evening.

I really, REALLY need to learn Spanish, you guys.

Anyway, using hand gestures and repeating the word “water” a lot, I ask if anybody turned in a water bottle the previous night. The woman there said something about a little boy, pointed at her eye a couple of times, and we both looked at each other totally confused.

Just then, the East Coast Earthquake hit.

I grew up in the Pacific Northwest, so earthquakes don’t particularly faze me. But for all the proprietors and patrons of this establishment, who had presumably never been in an earthquake before, a 5.8 was legitimate cause for FREAKING THE HELL OUT. Everybody there started yelling, calling friends and relatives on their cell phones, asking if everybody else had felt it, etc. It was then that I realized I had lost the room. I was probably not getting my water bottle back, even if they did have it.

In a very George Costanza-like moment, while all this was going down, I asked if the woman wouldn’t mind, pretty pretty please, checking to see if they had my water bottle. She walked next door and came back a few minutes later, empty-handed, but I am positive it was to talk with the neighbors about the earthquake, and not for any other reason.

So this week I am going to buy a new water bottle. The end.

14 August, 2011

The kind of woman I want to be is:

"The woman of the future, who is really being born today, will be a woman completely free of guilt for creating and for self-development. She will be a woman in harmony with her own strength, not necessarily called masculine or eccentric or something unnatural. I imagine she will be very tranquil about her strength and her serenity, a woman who will know how to talk to children and to the men who sometimes fear her... The woman of the future will never try to live vicariously through the man, and urge and push him to despair, to fulfill something that she should really be doing herself. So that is my first image -- she is not aggressive, she is serene, she is sure, she is confident, she is able to develop her skills, she is able to ask for space for herself."
Anais Nin, 1976, quoted in this article.
Also this:

Cake - Short Skirt/Long Jacket (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Cakes

13 July, 2011

From the archives: July 13, 2003

The book of Elisa, chapter 7, verses 1 - 10

In the beginning Elisa was sleeping. And lo, her mother did call up the stairs, saying "Hark, lazybones, church doth start in half an hour. Thou must getteth out of bed and get dressed." And it came to pass that Elisa did so, and her hair remained unwashed, and her skirt was very wrinkled. And behold, the lesson at church was on marriage, and it was the third lesson on marriage this month. And Elisa bethought herself that perhaps the overriding theme of life was being revealed unto her. And the woman next to Elisa saith, "Behold, my son is a law student at Gonzaga, and his prospects are exceedingly fine, and his face is glorious to look upon, and he is like unto Abraham in his righteousness, and wouldst thou like to meet him?" And Elisa said "Nay, nay, for he is exceedingy old, and I am not in the market for a husband, but thank you." And the woman waxed wroth, and walked away, and her countenance was like that of a sad person. And Elisa kept these things, and pondered them in her heart, and thought to herself the reason why everyone wished her married so quickly, and she could find none. And Elisa went in unto her friends, and they had gone watersikiing the previous day, and their bodies were adorned with the pinkness of the sun. And Juliana was exceedingly sorrowful, for her senior pictures were in two days, and her face was like unto a tomato. And Elisa had not gone with them, because she had been toiling and serving food to the Jews, and she mourned. Then Carlos went with Elisa into the third meeting of church, which is called Sacrament Meeting. And Carlos said "Yea, I have to go to the bathroom." And Elisa saith unto him, "Fine." And he did return to her exceedingly wet, for he had wiped his wet hands on his shirt, and Elisa did roll her eyes. And one hour later Elisa drove home, and ate some nachos, and she did wonder why Cori didst not call her, that they might go for a walk, and partake in other such goodness. And Elisa retired, and napped, and thus ended the day of Elisa thus far.

29 June, 2011

From the archives: June 29, 2003

So today I went visiting with this woman from church and the following conversation ensued.

Me: So I hear it's really easy to find places in Utah.
Gerry: Yeah, it is, since the streets are on a grid system and most of the streets have numbers instead of names.
Me: Really?
Gerry: Although recently they have been changing some of the street names, I'm not really sure why. The street I used to live on was just changed to Freedom Boulevard, I think.
Me: (making what I think is a very funny joke) Did it used to be FRENCH Boulevard?
Gerry: Nooo... (long awkward silence)
Me: *sigh*

I don't think I'm going to be funny in Utah.

28 June, 2011

Should I Get Rid of This?: Day 6 (white dress)

Isn't this an interesting photo? I took it at my friend Tiffany's house. Such nice lighting. Very ethereal.
wearing white dress as skirt, grey t-shirt (Wal-Mart ... classy) and chacos.

And yet, despite this picture's potential, this dress still doesn't look very good. It's not a good length and it often rides up. It makes me look wide. When it's worn as a dress, the entire halter is completely pointless. I'm 90% in favor of getting rid of it.

On the other hand, though, I don't have any other white dresses. Even my wedding dress is off-white. So I dunno.

There Ain't No Room in My Cell Phone Plan for You.

My friend Aaron is pretty much a pop star. He made this video.

Aaron's been in a band for a pretty long time (Eyes Lips Eyes, nee Elizabethan Report) but he has an album coming out soon that's all his solo stuff. It's all this danceable. And I wrote the liner notes.

Also, he's one of the nicest fellas you could ever ask for. Five stars.

P.S. I don't know if this is intentional, but this video was directed by a Matt Heder, and Fresh Big Mouf's persona in this vid is very Napoleon Dynamite-esque. Coincidence?

EDIT: Speaking of coincidences, TODAY is Aaron's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE!

25 June, 2011

Should I Get Rid of This?: Day 6 (black and tan shoes)

wearing black and tan shoes, black pants (Target), Grover shirt (Target) and blue and white striped cardigan (ALSO TARGET MY FAVORITE PLACE EVER)

Even though I wear this shoes pretty rarely, I have a special attachment to them.

1. They were a birthday present my freshman year of college. My friend Mallory and I were shopping at the mall, and I found these shoes at Payless. They were on sale for three dollars, and she was like, "Happy Birthday," and bought them for me. My 19th birthday was not the greatest, and that was the highlight.

2. One time, in an elevator in the JFSB, an old man saw me wearing those shoes, made a face, and said "Are those what the kids are wearing these days?" IT WAS PERFECT.

So I'm not sure these shoes are that great if they anger up the old folks' blood, but I don't think I can quite part with them either.

Do they make YOU want to confront a stranger in an elevator? Vote below!

23 June, 2011

Should I Get Rid of This?: Day 6 (mustard sweater)

Today I have decided to get rid of two things.

wearing mustard sweater, turquoise skirt (some store in the mall), blue galoshes (GAP)

Two thumbs down for this whole outfit. The sweater makes me look wide, and the skirt is out of style. I'm planning to get rid of both. Love the galoshes though. Thoughts?

22 June, 2011

Should I Get Rid of This?: Day 5 (grey flapper hat)

Two things to start.

1. Classy people definitely take photos in the bathroom.

2. Just because a gay guy says something looks good and you should buy it, does not make it true.

wearing grey flapper hat, dark blue dress (JC Penney),
black vest (Urban Outfitters) and black studded sandals* (Papaya)
*not that you can see them
also featuring: SPIDER HANDS

I bought this hat at Goodwill because my friend said it was cute. I guess it is, but I also don't really wear hats that often. I kept worrying it was going to fall off. I also worry it looks like I am trying too hard ... to be Annie Hall? Or Grace from Annie? Not really sure.

On the other hand, I did get some compliments on it, but they might have been being passive aggressive.

On the third, alien hand, maybe I could pull off the hat under the right circumstances? I dunno. I am leaning towards getting rid of this, though.

Now that I look at it again, this kind of has a 1840s safari hunter look to it, huh? Which may or may not be a good thing.

From the archives: June 22, 2003

Can't live with him, can't…*sigh*

Want to hear a sumary of my relationship with my youngest brother as applies to X?

No? Here it is anyway:

Carlos: Elisa, buy me X.
Elisa: No.
Carlos: Pleeeeeaaaaaasssssseeeeee.
Elisa: (firmly) No.
Carlos: But I want X! I neeeeeeeed X!
Elisa: No! I have absolutely no/very little money!
Carlos: (throws huge embarrassing tantrum)
Elisa: (turns red. goes home.)

In a word - arghhhhhhhhh.

20 June, 2011

Should I Get Rid of This?: Day 4 (black puffed sleeve dress)

Look! A less-awkward mirror picture. I actually kind of like it.

wearing black puffed sleeve dress, blue cardigan, turquoise scarf (H&M)
and those silver sandals. oh, how I love them silver sandals.

A big part of this weeding out process is realizing that some of clothes would be totally wearable with a few repairs. For example, all this dress needs is an extra button that will keep me from looking like a 1920s barmaid (hence the scarf, which hides a multitude of cleavage). Maybe a belt. But otherwise I like it. What do you think?

Should I Get Rid of This?: Day 3 (black polka dot dress)

wearing black polka dot dress, blue cardigan (Forever 21) and silver sandals.

So I've had this dress for a while, and I mostly bought it because it has polka dots and I have another brown dress with polka dots that I wear all the time. I figured I would get a lot of wear out of it. But until this weekend, I didn't really. That's because the neckline in front was very low-cut and ruched, so it couldn't be worn without an undershirt. I try to avoid wearing undershirts because they look SO MORMON (not that there's anything wrong with that). Whenever I wear an undershirt beneath a sleeveless dress I feel like I'm going to EFY. So I just never wore this dress.

Then yesterday I doscovered the joy of wearing this dress BACKWARDS!

And now I plan to wear it all the time. I'm also pondering the possibility of getting some opaque black lace and covering the back (formerly the front) and putting some lace cap sleeves on, so I can wear it without a cardigan.

19 June, 2011

Today is Father's Day. I get to that at the end.

I should definitely mention that I went to a SIFF documentary screening with Allen, who clearly knows what he's doing in terms of how to win my eternal loyalty. The topic of the doc: Kevin Clash, creator of Elmo from Sesame Street. And of course, we all know how I feel about that show, and puppets in general.

The documentary was remarkably similar in theme and scope to his recent-ish memoir, My Life as a Furry Red Monster (see my not-very-helpful review of that here). But there were some very cool video clips and a tour of the Muppet Studio that were amazing. Furthermore, Muppetry is such a visual medium that Kevin's life story ought to have been a documentary in the first place. I loved seeing him at the screening, and the movie was fun. I only cried a little bit.

I don't know what else to say about it, really. To be blunt, Clash seems like a bit of a workaholic--a well-meaning one, to be sure. On the other hand, is any genius NOT a workaholic, someone devoted to their creations at the expense of all else? Is that the price? And even if you don't think Elmo is that great a character, you have to admit that his status as a cultural phenomena is pretty incredible, and it didn't happen by accident. It was engineered in large part by Kevin Clash, and a lot of the projects related to puppeteering and development of Sesame Street in general can be attributed to Kevin. He's been at it for decades.

One of the more poignant moments was seeing Kevin Clash at his teenage daughter's birthday party. He was clearly giving everything he had to make her party incredibly memorable (a video of celebrities wishing her happy birthday, a cake that looked like it belonged at a Sesame Street-themed wedding) but I, at least (not sure if the viewer was meant to) could sense a detachment from father to child, greater than the usual distance between a teenage girl and her parents. Maybe I was reading too much into it.

On the other hand, if millions of children benefit at the expense of one visionary's family and friends, is that 100% horrible? Do we cluck our tongues at famous scientists who never see their families because they're too busy working on a cure for cancer? It's tricky, because some causes take an entire self, with nothing left.

I remember when my dad was working on a case that took him away from home whenever he wasn't at work. He would either be gone or in his office until 1 or 2 in the morning. The case never went anywhere, either, and it wasn't exactly noble--some sort of revenge on a former client that way way south. My point is, that was the last time I remember feeling somewhat sad that my dad wasn't around much (I was in high school). Ever since then, he's been around a lot, even if we don't want him to be. He hasn't always been the kind of dad you write blog posts about. But he has been around. I guess that's good?

I know this isn't a really platinum endorsement. Reminiscent of this Vonnegut quote, yes?

"If I die, and I hope I don't, I want my tombstone to read, "Someone. Sometime to sometime. He tried."

I going to go out on a limb and say it's better to have a dad who tried than none at all.

From the archives: June 19, 2003

My first LiveJournal entry of all time.


Elisa succumbs to yet another trend

Magic Talking Live Journal: So, Elisa, what did YOU do today?

Elisa Koler: Well, Magic Talking Live Journal, I got up early this morning and went to my first day of work at Luke Casteel and Associates. I sorted dead corporate law files into boxes in the basement of the Fisher Business Center. I got all the way up to 1996!

MTLJ: Holy crap!

EK: Yes. It was highly enjoyable. Almost as much fun as Disneyland.

MTLJ: Can you tell me something interesting about corporate law, Elisa?

EK: I'm sorry, I can't.

MTLJ: Oh. (whispers) Is that because the information you are privy to is confidential?

EK: No. It's because there is nothing interesting about corporate law! And even if there was, I wouldn't have noticed because this morning I was asleep and awake at the same time!

MTLJ: Ha ha ha ha!

EK: After three hours in a very small room with lots of papers, I went home and ate a peanut butter sandwich. Then I went to work at the synagogue. I made and ate lots and lots of knish!

MTLJ: I LOVE knish!

EK: That is because I love knish, and I created you.

MTLJ: Yes, master.

EK: Anyway, while I was at work, my boss punched me in the kidney with a broom!

MTLJ: Ha ha ha ha!

EK: Actually, it hurt a lot. But he said he was sorry.

MTLJ: What an exciting day you have had! What happened afer you were assaulted with a cleaning implement?

EK: Well, I went home and took a shower, because I had somehow managed to get brownie mix in my hair. That was pretty much my day. What about you?

MTLJ: Well, I was just created about 15 minutes ago, and I feel great!

EK: So I guess that makes me kind of like God.

MTLJ: Yes Master.

EK: I love you, Magic Talking Live Journal!

MTLJ: You are my best friend!

EK: Sorry, I'm taken.

16 June, 2011


This is what 4:30 AM looks like.

Should I Get Rid of This?: Day 2 (black cardigan)

Isn't this dress great? However, it is not the focus of today's discussion.
black cardigan, orange dress (Forever 21), calculator watch (Walmart) and chacos (online).

I bought this cardigan at a thrift store because I assumed that I would have lots and lots of use for a black cardigan. This turned out to be untrue. I don't wear this sweater that often, which is weird because it looks fine, right? I think the dual issues at hand are 1. I wear a lot of brown, and wearing black and brown together usually looks dumb and 2. this sweater has kind of a knit, doilie-esque quality that means it would look too loud with a patterned dress.

I think I am going to say yea to this one. But if the Internet disagrees vehemently enough, I might be persuaded.

14 June, 2011

Should I Get Rid of This?: Day 1 (black lace dress)

When I first looked at this outfit in the mirror, my immediate thought was "Heavens to Betsy, I'm as big as a house."Wearing black lace dress, black t-shirt (thrifted), black skirt (JC Penney), silver sandals (Target) and silver headband (no idea ... Safeway?)

I bought this dress because it was really comfortable and flow-y and sometimes I like to spin around in a big dress like a five year-old girl. Also, it reminded me a little of 80s-era Madonna, and that's awesome. On the other hand, though, because it's so flow-y, it makes me look big. It would be a smashing maternity piece (I think about these things) but I'm not planning on becoming maternal in the proximate future, so that's a bit irrelevant.

Also, this dress has to be layered rather aggressively, because lace is diaphanous.

I was feeling pretty solid on giving this one away, but I am going to try it with a belt. And I met a friend for lunch and as soon as he saw me he started raving about how much he liked the dress, so that puts us back on the fence, vote-wise.

This really is a cute headband, even though you can't see it.

Lace | Everybody, Everywear


Here is a list of the items I am using for this month's 30 for 30. I like to include descriptions, not pictures, because surprises are fun. Not to mention the laziness factor. That is also important.


Black lace dress (thrifted)
Brown silk dress (random boutique in Paris)
Black polka dot dress (thrifted)
White sequin dress (some booth at Bumbershoot)
Brown maxi dress (thrifted)
Black puffed sleeve dress (BYU Bookstore)


Black sequin top (Charlotte Russe one thousand years ago)
Blue cardigan (thrifted)
Red ruffled shirt (Forever 21)
Red sweater (American Eagle, when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
Mustard sweater (Target I think?)
Black cardigan (thrifted)
White ruffle shirt (thrifted)
Blue bodysuit (Forever 21)


Yellow sequin skirt (hand-me-down from Lori)
Colorful South American skirt (thrifted)


I only own two pairs of pants, you guys.

Turquoise pants (thrifted)
Pleather leggings (Forever 21)


Turquoise blazer (thrifted, matches pants)
Khaki jacket (thrifted)
Grey plaid jacket (Macy's)


Black and tan saddle shoes (birthday gift from freshman year of college)
Brown cork heels (thrifted)


Blue lace gloves (somewhere in Amsterdam)
Brown cowboy belt (thrifted)
Grey flapper hat (thrifted)
Straw hat (Target)
Blue bandanna (probably shot out of a cannon or something)
Yellow stockings (Paris)
Blue knit hat (Urban Outfitters)

Some thoughts:

1. I am seriously not sure how I feel about sequins.
2. Spare me the "leggings are not pants" argument. They are plural, right?
3. If I end up getting rid of all of these things, I will not be losing very much money, because most of these were from Goodwill/DI/VV, etc.

I Love Trash.

I love Caroll Spinney.

So I have decided to once again participate in this season's 30 for 30. LET'S GET READY FOR MORE POSTS ABOUT CLOTHES YOU GUYS. HOLD ONTO YOUR FIGURATIVE HATS.

Here's the thing. With Kendi's permission, I am choosing to personalize this 30 for 30 to fit my current needs. There are some clothing items I have that I am on the fence about. I need to take 'em out for a further spin and get some feedback on whether or not I should keep them. (Mo, I was partially inspired by you).

So, allow me to present .... 30 f0r 30: the "Should I get rid of this?" Edition!!!

Clothes! Drama! Voting! It's like a reality show up in herrrrre.

Here are the rules of the game:

1. I have 30 items, including shoes, hats, and accessories, and I will make a valiant effort to wear each one at least twice, to really get a feel for the piece.
2. I can accentuate each piece with whatever items I want. The thing is, many of these items are so dramatic/unusual/make me look like a hobo that wearing them all together would be a recipe for clown college. And I'm starting grad school next week. I need to look normal.
3. Please leave comments on each outfit (I will specify what piece is the "featured" one) and let me know if you think I should keep it or get rid of it. I'm asking for your feedback so you won't hurt my feelings.
4. Thanks in advance! XOXOX

TO THE DUDES: I totally want your feedback too. But if you want to take a hiatus from reading my blog for a month, that's cool. Just be aware that YOU WILL ALSO MISS MY POST ABOUT STAR TREK CON WHICH MAY INCLUDE COSTUMES.

13 June, 2011

I hate these strangers.

The worst feeling, aside from getting elbowed in the boob, is having to return a library book before I am done with it EVEN IF I HAVE LOTS OF RENEWALS LEFT because some buttmunch has placed a hold on it.

I do not like these people. YOU CAN HAVE THEM WHEN I'M DONE WITH THEM GOSH.

And the library always sides against me.

10 June, 2011

Catching up, part one.

Did you know that when you play Apples to Apples, it's also a form of FORTUNE TELLING?

That's right. Whatever cards you win are descriptors of your personality.


09 June, 2011

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Go ahead and listen to this song and replace Kotter with Koler:

Have you noticed I have not blogged in a long time? Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. I'm not going to apologize for not blogging, because I'M NOT SORRY. I am also not sorry that this quarter is over, because working fulltime and going to school fulltime is totally exhausting. IT IS THE WORST. Did not enjoy. For all those who did that for four plus years: I SALUTE YOU.

Over the past quarter, I have been so frequently pressed for time that I have become disgusting. Evidence:

1. One time I borrowed my employer's husband's deodorant when I needed to go straight from work to school. Fact: ladies should not smell like Old Spice.
2. Once, while eating dinner/studying in bed, I spilled yakisoba sauce on my sheets and rather than wash them, I just slept in them. Fact: I still haven't washed them yet. Probably this weekend.
3. I also washed my hair in the sink at work.
4. Another time, I dumped cornstarch in my hair at work because I needed to go to school and I had not showered. Fact: I am an Italian greaseball.*
5. Tonight, I ate M&Ms for dinner. Plain. Because they were part of the visual aid for my math class.

Don't worry, I have lots of great stuff in the works! Here's a preview:

1. Even more 2011 books.
2. Installment 1 of Book vs. Movie vs. Movie.
3. Installment 2 of 30 for 30: the "Should I get rid of this?" edition.
4. Installment 1 of I Really, Really Love TV.
5. In-depth reporting on Star Trek Con 2011 in Vancouver, BC. HELL YES I AM GOING TO THAT.
6. Kevin Clash.

Here's to a great summer!

*Also fact: I am not Italian.

26 April, 2011


My awesome friend Brian designs promotional posters for his and other blogs. He emailed me this the other day, saying that I didn't have to use it, but was welcome to.

Duh. I totally love it. Thanks Brian!

25 April, 2011

Happy Easter!

I gave up treats (cookies, cake, candy, etc) for Lent. I didn't blog about it at the start, because I wasn't sure how it would go.

Fact: it was successful. I kept to my goal the entire 40 days except for two exceptions:

1. At the Seattle Bike Expo my friend handed me a Smartie from the candy basket at one of the booths. I popped it into my mouth and then realized what I had done. After I spit it into my hand, he ate it.

2. I also took a Swedish fish out of another friend's mouth at a dance party.

So apparently, I am really good at avoiding eating sugar as long as it doesn't involve someone else's mouth. Heyo.

18 April, 2011

Greetings from the Phoenix airport!

I woke up this morning at 5 AM with this song stuck in my head.

Your explanation is as good as mine.

16 April, 2011

Not all famous Mormons are people I am ashamed of.

Know what's cool? Being smart, and being a writer, and being a Jeopardy champion WITHOUT being a giant pretentious douchebag. Also, being a Mormon who doesn't make me cringe every time someone mentions his name (I'm looking at you, G. Beck).

Although I could be talking about my buddy Alison, currently I am talking about Ken Jennings, who is from the same general area where I now live and maybe was at Emerald City Comic Con when I was also there. I didn't see him, but I saw pictures later.

Ken Jennings did his crazy Jeopardy-defeating streak when I was a freshman in the dorms at BYU, and lemme tell you, we were FREAKING OUT. I was on the Honors Floor, though, so we were kind of nerds.

Anyway, Ken was on Reddit (which I infrequent) answering questions, and he was so charming and real and high-fiveable I just wanted to share some highlights. If you have lots of time you can read the whole cotton-pickin' thing here, but it's awfully long. It's worth it, but if you read the whole thing you may or may not be late for whatever you are doing next.

Here are some screenshots that are just funny:

Click to enlarge!

See how funny he is? In such a inclusive way. His humor has a little bit of something for everyone.

This bit, I think, was my most favorite, and summed up quite accurately how I feel about the disconnect I sometimes feel between being "a Mormon" and being myself.

Who could say it better? Only Jesus.

Here are some other choice Mormon jokes/comments. All well done.

This is the kind of stuff that should be on Mormon.org.

I just like this guy so much. The End.

15 April, 2011

Results are in!

Good news, guys. Nobody who reads my blogs wants more drugs. This is a good thing, because I don't know how I would satisfy them. Maybe write about the one time I was on morphine? I took valium once too. After an oral surgery. CRAZY.

However, 60% of the 10 people polled said they would like to see some drugs in conjunction with sex and rock and roll. They may or may not be in for some disappointment.

I think I am going to put some other widget in place of these polls.

The Perfect Vagina

The perfect vagina from heather leach on Vimeo.

Remember a few years ago when it seemed like everyone and their mom was getting a bikini wax? I thought it was weird that the current standard of beauty for women's genitals is apparently to look as prepubescent as possible. I still think that's weird. Clearly I don't watch enough porn.*

Anyway, so on Mormon Therapist the other day I found a link to this documentary which details an even disturbinger new trend: VAGINA PLASTIC SURGERY.


And in this case we're not talking about women with birth defects or harrowing trauma from a vaginal birth gone wrong, or a Frida Kahlo-esque freak accident. We're talking about women who feel insecure enough about the size or shape of their clitoral hood or labia minora to be willing to be PAY TO HAVE SOMEONE TO CHOP IT OFF.

This is not cool, you guys.

This documentary has some graphic imagery, but if you can handle it, please watch it. It has a pretty empowering message. Also, British slang.

*or any porn. Let's be honest.
**specifically, surgery on the clitoris and labia, not on the vagina itself. I am keeping with lexical trends in using the word "vagina" to mean "the female genital area."

P.S. I am pretty excited to see what google searchers will be directed to my blog because of this site. VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA.

14 April, 2011

Ask me how it feels to be right.

Answer: it feels delicious.

You may recall my tongue-in-cheek review of a certain rip-off known as "Your Baby Can Read." The title alone gives it away. Babies can't read! Neither can they drive. Their legs are too short. Not a big deal, just one of those things.

Now a bunch of parents are suing the company for being deceived. Lesson learned: EVEN DUDES WITH PHDS CAN LIE.

I don't want to say, "I told you so," but--wait a minute. Yes I do!

Here's another blogger's amusing commentary on the lawsuit. I do not know him personally, but I read his blog. Is that weird? Do I care?

13 April, 2011

Things that made me cry today.

1. A radio ad about breast cancer.

2. The end of The Land Before Time.

10 April, 2011

2011 Books: the books I didn't like edition

Buy-ology by Martin Lindstrom

I admit to enjoying a Malcolm Gladwell book every once in a while, but often those "entertaining non-fiction" genre pieces turn out to just be one massive exercise in stating the obvious. This book claims to revolutionize our ideas about why people respond to advertisements the way they do, and some of the brain studies he mentioned were kind of interesting. But he seems shocked to learn that people lie. Duh. Of course people aren't honest about why they buy things, because the real answers are usually pathetic. I know this, and I am neither an advertising expert nor a scientist.

Additionally, in his afterward about the 2008 financial crisis, he mentions that since the recession, condom sales have gone up. Lindstrom postulates the reason for this is that in times of stress, people find solace in their sexuality. Or maybe people are just worried about getting pregnant during a financial crisis? Sheesh. Idiot.

Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean M. Auel

Remember Twilight? Of course you do. This is 80s Twilight for the sexually deviant. I hated this book, but I had to finish it because it was part of my banned books project AND I DO NOT ABANDON MY GOALS JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING SUCKS.

I wish I could articulate all the reasons why this book was so awful. The writing was cheesy, and incredibly repetitive. I don't know where/if Ms. Auel got her English degree, but apparently she missed ALL THE LECTURES on showing vs. telling. Here is an exemplary paragraph, written by me:

Krum glared at Ayla, his eyes filled with rage. He was furious. Ayla was sad. Tears ran down her face. She knew Krum was angry. She thought he did not love her. He had told her he loved her before. But maybe now that he was angry, he did not love her anymore. The thought broke her heart. She sobbed.

Imagine 468 pages of that kind of repetition. Hopefully you know understand why this book made me want to claw out my eyes.

Also, in Jean Auel's crazy universe, cavemen did not know that sex makes babies. Somehow, they know that when animals mate, the lady animal gets pregnant, but they have not extended that logic to themselves. Which is basically just an excuse to write a bunch of uncomfortable rape scenes.

Bad writing + bad history + sexual deviance = I will not be reading the rest of the series.