My Grand Return, Dedicated to Vilja Johnson

Yesterday I was chatting with the abovementioned college friend about the fact that I have not blogged in a while. Yes, there has been the odd post, but I actually wrote those over six months ago and scheduled their release ahead of time. Haha tricked you. Anyway.

I was explaining to her that I feel it’s very important for me to keep blogging while I student teach (starting in a few short weeks WTF), because the memories and experiences of my first “real” year of teaching will be invaluable in the future. On the other hand, I articulated to Vilja, I do so much writing in grad school it’s the last thing I feel like doing for fun. I already express myself so thoroughly in my schoolwork that I don’t feel much of a need for self-expression outside of it.

Then Vilja said, quote, “Nooooo!!! Funny stories!!!!”

Dammit, she’s right. This blog is for the funny stories! So I dedicate any funny stories I write in the next few weeks to you, V. Luckily for her and maybe you as well, my recent "summer vacation" was excellent fodder for the same.

Funny Story Number 1: I am upstaged by a natural disaster

Some/a few of you may know that over the weekend, I went to New York City for a friend’s wedding. It was a beautiful weekend filled with friends, puppets (I saw Avenue Q AND the Jim Henson exhibit at the MOTMI … amazing) and visiting the ancestral island of the Wu Tang Clan. Overall, a wonderful five-day break from school. However, if I could do it all again, I probably would come home two days early instead of midnight the night before. I’m boarding the plane on the plane to Seattle right now, and something tells me that I am going to be very, very tired at my 9AM class tomorrow.

The only two things that you need to know for this story, however, is that I was staying with my cousin in Brooklyn and that the Brooklyn Bridge is currently undergoing some maintenance construction.

Oh! One other thing that is important to know for this story is that I have a thing for being hydrated, and love my water bottle as if it were my own dear child. I left it at a friend’s house last weekend and it was like a part of me was gone.

Okay, exposition over. Here we go.

Scene: Sunday. My cousin and I were walking across the Brooklyn Bridge (which is gorgeous, by the way). The construction obstructed certain parts of the view, but it was a lovely walk nonetheless.

While we were walking, I asked my cousin, “So, why are they doing construction on the bridge? Are they earthquake proofing it or something?”

“Oh no,” she said, with ironic foreshadowing. “New York doesn’t have earthquakes.”

Scene: Monday night. Said cousin and I walk to a tortilla factory/restaurant in Brooklyn and get tacos. It is a super authentic, hole-in-the-wall, INCREDIBLY delicious, cash-only taco extravaganza. Every taco I eat in the future will be compared to those. Then we went home, ate ice cream and watched The Daily Show. Crazy New York party time.

Scene: Tuesday afternoon. I am packing and realize with a minor amount of panic that my water bottle is missing. I look in all the usual places, to no avail. Then I remember I had it at the table with me at the taco place the previous evening, and concluded I must have left it there.

Walking around Brooklyn is awesome, by the way. Reminds me of Sesame Street (or maybe Sesame Street reminds me of Brooklyn?). I get to the taco place, stand in line for a minute and ask if anyone found a pink water bottle on the tables last night. Then I remember that one of the charming, authentic aspects of this taco place is: nobody speaks English. We even wrote our orders in Spanish the previous evening.

I really, REALLY need to learn Spanish, you guys.

Anyway, using hand gestures and repeating the word “water” a lot, I ask if anybody turned in a water bottle the previous night. The woman there said something about a little boy, pointed at her eye a couple of times, and we both looked at each other totally confused.

Just then, the East Coast Earthquake hit.

I grew up in the Pacific Northwest, so earthquakes don’t particularly faze me. But for all the proprietors and patrons of this establishment, who had presumably never been in an earthquake before, a 5.8 was legitimate cause for FREAKING THE HELL OUT. Everybody there started yelling, calling friends and relatives on their cell phones, asking if everybody else had felt it, etc. It was then that I realized I had lost the room. I was probably not getting my water bottle back, even if they did have it.

In a very George Costanza-like moment, while all this was going down, I asked if the woman wouldn’t mind, pretty pretty please, checking to see if they had my water bottle. She walked next door and came back a few minutes later, empty-handed, but I am positive it was to talk with the neighbors about the earthquake, and not for any other reason.

So this week I am going to buy a new water bottle. The end.

The kind of woman I want to be is:

"The woman of the future, who is really being born today, will be a woman completely free of guilt for creating and for self-development. She will be a woman in harmony with her own strength, not necessarily called masculine or eccentric or something unnatural. I imagine she will be very tranquil about her strength and her serenity, a woman who will know how to talk to children and to the men who sometimes fear her... The woman of the future will never try to live vicariously through the man, and urge and push him to despair, to fulfill something that she should really be doing herself. So that is my first image -- she is not aggressive, she is serene, she is sure, she is confident, she is able to develop her skills, she is able to ask for space for herself."

Anais Nin, 1976, quoted in this article.

Also this:

Cake - Short Skirt/Long Jacket (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Cakes

From the archives: July 13, 2003

The book of Elisa, chapter 7, verses 1 - 10

In the beginning Elisa was sleeping. And lo, her mother did call up the stairs, saying "Hark, lazybones, church doth start in half an hour. Thou must getteth out of bed and get dressed." And it came to pass that Elisa did so, and her hair remained unwashed, and her skirt was very wrinkled. And behold, the lesson at church was on marriage, and it was the third lesson on marriage this month. And Elisa bethought herself that perhaps the overriding theme of life was being revealed unto her. And the woman next to Elisa saith, "Behold, my son is a law student at Gonzaga, and his prospects are exceedingly fine, and his face is glorious to look upon, and he is like unto Abraham in his righteousness, and wouldst thou like to meet him?" And Elisa said "Nay, nay, for he is exceedingy old, and I am not in the market for a husband, but thank you." And the woman waxed wroth, and walked away, and her countenance was like that of a sad person. And Elisa kept these things, and pondered them in her heart, and thought to herself the reason why everyone wished her married so quickly, and she could find none. And Elisa went in unto her friends, and they had gone watersikiing the previous day, and their bodies were adorned with the pinkness of the sun. And Juliana was exceedingly sorrowful, for her senior pictures were in two days, and her face was like unto a tomato. And Elisa had not gone with them, because she had been toiling and serving food to the Jews, and she mourned. Then Carlos went with Elisa into the third meeting of church, which is called Sacrament Meeting. And Carlos said "Yea, I have to go to the bathroom." And Elisa saith unto him, "Fine." And he did return to her exceedingly wet, for he had wiped his wet hands on his shirt, and Elisa did roll her eyes. And one hour later Elisa drove home, and ate some nachos, and she did wonder why Cori didst not call her, that they might go for a walk, and partake in other such goodness. And Elisa retired, and napped, and thus ended the day of Elisa thus far.

From the archives: June 29, 2003

So today I went visiting with this woman from church and the following conversation ensued.

Me: So I hear it's really easy to find places in Utah.
Gerry: Yeah, it is, since the streets are on a grid system and most of the streets have numbers instead of names.
Me: Really?
Gerry: Although recently they have been changing some of the street names, I'm not really sure why. The street I used to live on was just changed to Freedom Boulevard, I think.
Me: (making what I think is a very funny joke) Did it used to be FRENCH Boulevard?
Gerry: Nooo... (long awkward silence)
Me: *sigh*

I don't think I'm going to be funny in Utah.

Should I Get Rid of This?: Day 6 (white dress)

Isn't this an interesting photo? I took it at my friend Tiffany's house. Such nice lighting. Very ethereal.

wearing white dress as skirt, grey t-shirt (Wal-Mart ... classy) and chacos.

And yet, despite this picture's potential, this dress still doesn't look very good. It's not a good length and it often rides up. It makes me look wide. When it's worn as a dress, the entire halter is completely pointless. I'm 90% in favor of getting rid of it.

On the other hand, though, I don't have any other white dresses. Even my wedding dress is off-white. So I dunno.

There Ain't No Room in My Cell Phone Plan for You.

My friend Aaron is pretty much a pop star. He made this video.

Aaron's been in a band for a pretty long time (Eyes Lips Eyes, nee Elizabethan Report) but he has an album coming out soon that's all his solo stuff. It's all this danceable. And I wrote the liner notes.

Also, he's one of the nicest fellas you could ever ask for. Five stars.

P.S. I don't know if this is intentional, but this video was directed by a Matt Heder, and Fresh Big Mouf's persona in this vid is very Napoleon Dynamite-esque. Coincidence?

EDIT: Speaking of coincidences, TODAY is Aaron's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE!

Should I Get Rid of This?: Day 6 (black and tan shoes)

wearing black and tan shoes, black pants (Target), Grover shirt (Target) and blue and white striped cardigan (ALSO TARGET MY FAVORITE PLACE EVER)

Even though I wear this shoes pretty rarely, I have a special attachment to them.

1. They were a birthday present my freshman year of college. My friend Mallory and I were shopping at the mall, and I found these shoes at Payless. They were on sale for three dollars, and she was like, "Happy Birthday," and bought them for me. My 19th birthday was not the greatest, and that was the highlight.

2. One time, in an elevator in the JFSB, an old man saw me wearing those shoes, made a face, and said "Are those what the kids are wearing these days?" IT WAS PERFECT.

So I'm not sure these shoes are that great if they anger up the old folks' blood, but I don't think I can quite part with them either.

Do they make YOU want to confront a stranger in an elevator? Vote below!