16 January, 2010

Things I Will Never Like (AKA a rant about inanimate objects)

Because inanimate objects can't write obnoxious comments on my blog when all I want to do is express some healthy frustration. If you, the reader, like some of the things on this list, rest assured it's not personal. It's just nice to know there are some certainties in life.

1. Bacon. I know it's going through a massive cultural revival, but I have always found it gross. My cousin Jordan says that he thinks it's hilarious when vegetarians claim to not enjoy bacon. Laugh it up, Jordan. It's NUMBER ONE on the list.
2. The following bands/singers: Creed, Nickelback, The Ataris (sorry Courtney), New Found Glory, Michael Buble, and Muse. If that upsets anybody here, you're the problem. Just because I have a different opinion than you do, you felt personally attacked instead of focusing on a bigger issue: why do you listen to terrible music?
3. Sour candy. Why should candy be sour? It's supposed to be sweet and delicious on my tongue. It's not supposed to burn a hole in my esophagus.
4. Surge cola. Remember that stuff? Maybe you don't. Because it was totally gross. Luckily I'm pretty sure they stopped making it because it killed people, so I don't have to worry about Surge Cola anymore.
5. The sticky floor at movie theatres. I don't understand why people think buying a ticket to a film exempts them from the responsibility to clean up after themselves.
6. Learning the names of countries in other languages. If you ask me, we should all just use the name of the country that exists in the country's foremost language. Thus:

Germany = Deutschland
Hungary = Magyarorszag
Japan = Nihon

France, the U.K., Iraq, Iran, and lots of other countries would be the same, except people would pronounce them properly instead of embarrassing themselves by saying I-wrack.
7. Menstruation. This is not, for the record, the reason for my crankiness. But the curse of Eve is and always will be completely and heartily unfair. Why do my boobs hurt? Why does my back hurt? MY UTERUS IS IN NEITHER OF THOSE PLACES.
8. Guns. I hate them. They smell funny and they make loud noises. Also, they kill things.
9. Redundant rules. I'm finally starting to slow down a bit.
10. Movie reviews that act SURPRISED that movies like Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen are pointless action romps with bad writing. Shouldn't you have to pay attention to what kind of movie you're about to see before you review it?
11. The texture of insulation.
12. Mirrors that are meant for anything besides looking at yourself. Wall mirrors? No. Space creating mirrors? Not in my house. If I want to look at myself, I better have to go FIND a mirror, not be faced with my pasty reflection at every turn.
13. Conspiracy theories. I don't care if your theory has good solid research behind it, as soon as you say, "this is what THEY don't want you to know," I don't care how much I like you, you DESERVE to get punched in the face.
14. Throwing up. You hate it, too? Weird.
15. Beer. I know it makes people invulnerable to criticism, but I really don't like the way it tastes. I don't even like extra-yeasty bread. Yuck.

Well, that was therapeutic. Hope you enjoyed that.

Do you know something I DO enjoy? Obscure pop culture references. There were FOUR obscure pop culture references in the above blog entry. Anyone who can guess the location of the references (and by that I mean, guess which phrases or sentences were quotes and not just me being my hilarious self) and/or what they were referring to will win a prize: a cool postcard from my collection, sent to you very own home! So get cracking.

8 comments:

Elisa said...

Just to clarify, if you get ONE of the four correct, you win a prize. No need to shower me with thanks.

Ashley said...

I'm too tired to guess the references, but several things do sound familiar...

However, I burst out laughing when I read the last sentence of #7--AMEN AND AMEN, sista! If it's any consolation, it appears that nursing eradicates the sore boobicle symptom. At least for me. At least for now. I'll take what I can get though...except that the timing of my sore breasts is the very surest way to know exactly when my period is coming. I'm sort of thrown for a loop now...

theFinn said...

I'm actually surprised that you don't like Muse. Is it just the one song on the radio currently, or their entire body of work?

Jordan says that, while he agrees with 13 out of 15 items on the list, he can and will kill you for the Muse comment.

Brooke said...

Yeah. The Muse thing is throwing me for a loop. While I certainly would never list them among my favorite bands--they aren't THAT bad. Not nickelback/creed bad. To place them in the same category is ridiculous.

Elisa said...

I don't know what it is exactly, but I just really hate their sound. I'm sure they are very nice people. I probably should have put Kid rock or something instead, though.

jackie said...

You're great. I love that you put together such a list as this. Oh, I miss you. Let me know when you're in Utah next and we can get together.

theFinn said...

Had you put Kid Rock on your list, I would have given you a standing ovation of approval. Of course, bands don't REALLY count as inanimate at all...

Brittany said...

#7 absolutely killed me and I could not agree with you more!!!! Why the crap do we have to put up with the shedding of the lining of our inner uterus every single month?
(I use that one on my dad every time he says my life isn't hard).

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