25 December, 2011

The Sexiest Men Alive According to Elisa This Year

 Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you're excited for your gift.

Two bloggers I love and admire (but only one of whom I know) have recently set forth their opinions on how very wrong the good, but misguided, folks at People Magazine were when they put together their yearly "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. I would have to agree with both of them that People Mag's opinions, while appropriately heteronormative and allowably shallow, are far from spot on. Bradley Cooper? Eh. Here are my opinions on who the real, actual sexiest men alive are this year. Don't worry, I will be judging entirely on superficial characteristics. And you're welcome in advance, ladies/men who can be inspired to greatness from these sterling examples of HAWT-itude.

Ryan Gosling

Best to get this out of the way as soon as possible. People Mag. was right to list him as ONE of the sexiest men alive, but to not feature those blue eyes and that boyish grin on the cover? It's morally wrong. Ryan Gosling is God's gift to hetero ladies everywhere. Everybody thinks so. Also, man knows how to grow a beard. Let's face it. He's magical.

 Not to mention that he is featured on this amazing website which integrates two of my favorite things: gorgeous men and feminist theory.

Jason Segel

This picture should pretty much say everything about why I adore this man.

 Jason Segel is one of the few people who openly adores puppets as much as I do (he wrote and performed the puppet musical in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and in the recent Muppets reboot). Which is one million points right there. Additionally, he plays the charming, offbeat, extremely tall Marshall Erikson on How I Met Your Mother, one of my favorite shows out there. Love those boyish good looks coupled with disarming pseudo-awkwardness. Plus the occasional beard.

 Adorable infinity.

Zachary Quinto

I know what you're thinking. "C'mon, Elisa! You're only choosing this guy because he was on J.J. Abrams' 2009 summer blockbuster Star Trek!!" And my response to you is: well, not only. 

 I suppose it's my inner Eastern European that goes crazy for thick dark hair, even when it extends to the eyebrows. Additionally, I have a thing for noses. You know what they say. Quinto has all that going on and more. Look at that smile (which you don't really get to see in Star Trek). Look at that stubble! He has as much handsomeness as he has hair!

Not that it matters because I only care how people look and not about what's in their hearts or minds, but Zachary Quinto seems to be a genuinely kind, compassionate person, as evidenced by his Twitter feed and his contribution to the "It Gets Better" campaign.

Speaking of, he came out of the closet this past year, which was disappointing for me, to say the least. Nevertheless, I wish him luck in bringing happiness to some ridiculously lucky guy.

Seriously, some guys have all the luck.

Jason Sudeikis 

 I challenge you to name one funny sketch from SNL this year that did not prominently feature Jason S. OK, there might have been one or two. But Jason Sudeikis is the best thing that show has going on at the moment, and not just because of his cool last name. Who am I kidding, though? I don't care if a guy is funny! All I care about are looks. And he has those, too.

Yum. Also, yes, I am aware that he is the second Jason. 

Some of you may have picked up on an emerging pattern, so I will set your mind at ease right now: yes, I do love White guys with boyish smiles and who are maybe a little out of shape (AKA snuggly). This has nothing to do with my own body issues at all. Nor does my penchant for facial hair have anything to do with my personal self-consciousness about my lady-stache. I just want a man to be bigger and hairier than me, OK? To make me feel better about myself. Jeez.

I also like dudes that are funny and a little bit nerdy, except not really because I only care about physical features and not about personality characteristics at all AS STATED PREVIOUSLY. And empirically speaking, J.S. is gorgeous. Have you seen his mustache in Going the Distance? He and Charlie Day made that movie watchable. And buy-at-Safeway-able.

Alan Tudyk 

Yes, he was on Arrested Development and Firefly. Yes, I would love him even if he were not on either of those awesome shows.

Oh, look, another boyish White snuggly dude with the odd bout of facial hair (just not in this photo)! Did you think I would be bored of them by now? Of course I am not. Alan Tudyk is completely 100% adorable. He can even rock a Hawaiian shirt if his character calls for it. That is saying a lot because Hawaiian shirts are gross. He is also smart and funny. But who cares about that.

Seriously, I would play dinosaurs with this guy any day of the week. If you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean?

Lastly, when called upon the man has a very sexy way of dance (possibly NSFW if your boss is super uptight). This video was clearly shot at some sort of nerdy con which makes me love him all the more.

Lyman Johnson

Question: does a Whiter name exist in the whole world? Answer: nope.

Do you watch "The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl?" If you don't, you are seriously missing out on some quality television. Go watch it right now. And after you have done so, we can get together at Aurora Donuts and drink whole milk and squee over White Jay. Because he is perfect.

See what I mean? He rocks the funny hair with the boyish grin and makes me believe it. See also: the beard. He also has an engineering degree, but who cares because I just want him to stay at home and wait for me every day when I come home from school.

Am I right, ladies/GBTQ dudes? Suh-woon.

Donald Glover

Granted, the rest of these guys except for Zachary Quinto have kind of all looked the same, but I want to make it abundantly clear that I find all races and creeds attractive, especially when they are funny and know how to rap. Enter: Childish Gambino AKA another guy with a kinda White-sounding name.

 I also definitely have a thing for glasses even if they are fake. 

Donald Glover is currently the best part of the best show on the air (-ish), Community. He is funny, charming and has good jeans. He's also talented at whatever he chooses to do outside of the show, which lately is do stand up and release hip hop EPs. He's totally awesome. Also, if you're not currently watching Community you should start watching it right now, because if you don't it might go off the air permanently and it would be all your fault for not supporting it.

And also because damn, right? 

I hope you all enjoyed these pictures of attractive men that I got you for Christmas, because unless you are my mom I definitely didn't get you anything else. 



Brian said...


1. I will agree that Sudeikis is one of the more enjoyable cast members on SNL but I wouldn't count out Bill Hader, another cast member who is pretty darn funny with a cool last name.

2. Do watch the ABC Wednesday night comedy "Suburgatory"? Allan Tudyk is a cast member of that show. So, you should check it out just for that & it's a fair to slightly above average TV comedy.

Melissa Leilani said...

Ryan Gosling FTW. And bonus points for including Alan Tudyk.

Kayla said...

This is my favorite gift.

And I'm so behind Ryan Gosling and Alan Tudyk.

Rachel. said...

I love troy too. and he is also my very favorite part of my very favorite (kind of currently on) show.