28 July, 2010

“The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain; to show them we love them not when we feel like it, but when they do.”

According to the Google Analytics, my readership has gone down 33% in the past few weeks. That's because I have not written anything of substance for several weeks, and the few entries I have published have been met with scornful, bitter, vitriolic disbelief (I'm looking at you, Christina).

Here's the really weird thing, though. I didn't blog not* because I was too busy being sick or working or having WAY TOO MUCH fun, and I didn't not blog because I was trying to spare the sanity of the people who had been following my blog when I had been writing every day (although maybe some of you appreciated that, yes?). I didn't blog because I ran out of things to say.

For some reason I spent a fortnight not wanting to write. Or rather, not feeling like I had anything to write about.

Dry spell is over, kids. Welcome back to my head. And if by some chance some of that 33% never returns, like maybe I broke their hearts, good riddance. Those of you who are reading now, now I know who my real friends are.

I was being histrionic for humor's sake. Did it work?

Anyway, today I spent a romantic evening at the beach with my dog. And I'm not being sarcastic, either. I have forgotten what pleasant company I am (Sego's not bad either). It's been a while since I have done something nice on my own. Riding the bus to work doesn't count.

In fact, I had planned to go to a showing of Shakespeare in the Park, but I went to Richmond Beach SALTWATER park instead of Richmond Beach COMMUNITY Park, which until today I didn't know existed. They really ought to consider re-naming one or the other. By the time I figured out my mistake, the play was halfway over, so I stayed at the beach, read an amazing book and watched the sun set. It was perfect.

I had planned to go to the play with a friend, but she was sick and needed to rest. I texted a couple of people at the last minute and asked if they wanted to go, but no one was available. In the end, though, I'm really glad I went alone. Had I gone to the wrong park with someone else I would have felt obligated to make it right. But me and Sego can enjoy ourselves pretty much anywhere ... especially any beach. I love the beach.

It's funny, the older I get, the more I relish being independent and alone. I always assume that as I grew up and continued to be unmarried, that I would become more and more desperate for companionship of any sort and less inclined towards being alone. Quite the opposite. The older I get, the more I enjoy only having myself to answer to when it comes to how I spend my time. You know what I feel like doing today? Going to the beach and reading a comic book. What did you do today?

I doubt I will ever learn to love my independence so much that I would choose to be alone rather than get married. However, sometimes I worry that I will be hurt so many times that I will stop acting on my feelings and lose all chances at happiness. Sorry, that was edging towards the dramatic again.

There was some connection I was making while I was sitting there on that bench overlooking the ocean, some connection between my love of being alone and experiencing beautiful moments by myself, and the inability I have to keep someone around me long enough to want to stay, but now that it's dark and I'm at home I think I just sound like a crazy person.

I was thinking about the quote listed above, I believe, and how I have always felt like it was written for me. I love everything in the universe and everyone who enriches my life so much, sometimes I worry about running out of steam. Or, I worry that my love is poison and drives people away, because so many people I have deeply loved have screwed** me over in the end. However, I have convinced myself that it's really just a numbers game. If you love everybody you meet, eventually some of the bad ones are going to get in there. Maybe it's even more likely. Whatever.

One thing I do know for sure is that although some people may think it's sort of overwhelming, the amount of affection I throw at people like Mardi Gras beads (for less than what they cost there, even), I doubt that it's ever going to change even though I sometimes wish it would. I have never regretted anything I have done, only the things I was too scared to do.

Know what I really think? I think the moment that I am really really happy with where I am and have resigned myself to happy hermitic spinsterhood, if that's what God likes for me, that's when some jerk is going to rumble in on a vintage motorcycle and mess things up.

I hope this post was more entertaining than a series of photographs.

*Or, "I didn't not blog?" Which makes more sense? Oh gosh. I'm rusty.

**This was originally a different word, but so far my blog has been F-word-free, and if I do break that streak I want it to be for something really really good.

27 July, 2010

Merry Mattmas.

An old friend from BYU is crashing on my floor futon this evening. He missed the first ferry from Port Orchard so he won't be arriving until after midnight. We are going to rise uncomfortably early and take the light rail to the airport/work together.

Carlos is so excited he is sleeping on the floor in front of the front porch, like he's waiting for Santa Claus.

20 July, 2010

This is why I like my friends.

Take note. In this short exchange, we have:

1. 2 bad movie references.
2. 2 mock hip hop references.
3. 1 miscellaneous pop culture reference.
4. 1 comic book reference.
5. 1 penis joke.
6. 1 rhetorical analysis of said penis joke.
7. 2 vocabulary words.

The people I like are cooler than all the people you like.

My Favorite People, Days 6 & 7 (combined): My Brothers

My brothers: a free-association photo essay.

1. Sports
2. Faces.
3. Christmas.

4. Monkeys
5. 'Tude.

I could apologize for the extra-long blogging hiatus and express relief that this silly goal is now over (lesson: goals are for chumps), but I'm not gonna. Now I can write about whatever I want. Thank God Almighty I am free at last.

Note: the scanner is broken so stay tuned for an installment of "My Mom Was Awesome" at a later date.

A much, much, later date.