“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel?”
- Jim Morrison
Today I wore one of those cheap sequin-y tank tops that you buy in high school because you imagine it's what the cool college kids wear clubbing (they don't). All day, I keep shedding sequins, like little lizard scales, all over the place. One ended up on my notes about L1/L2 fMRI experimentation. One ended up my wallet somehow ... I guess I did buy some food today. And I kept taking out my ID card to print stuff. One ended up on the inside of my left wrist, and I'm trying to see how long it will stay there. It's been about six hours so far.
I feel like that. Like a snake. Like the things I'm getting rid of aren't ugly or bad, just not for me anymore. Because I'm really not a sequins person at all. At the end of the (figurative) day, will I notice that I've replaced my entire outer covering with something else entirely? Or will I still look like me, only a different color and size?
I am trying really hard to keep myself sane. Vilja took me shopping this evening (or rather, she went shopping and dragged me along) and it was nice to just stare blankly at clothes for a few hours. I like being with Vilja because she makes me feel calm, no matter what is going through my head. When I'm with her I start thinking of cheerful things, like what we're going to be for Halloween in eight months. I even bought a red tank top. It makes me happy.
For Halloween we're going to be X-men. I'm going to be Jubilee. She can shoot lightning bolts from her fingers. Or something like that. I bought pleather leggings a few weeks ago and they are going to be perfect.
I've been doing some really great things lately. I've been reading a lot, and going for walks. I send loving text messages to my brothers and roommates while I'm walking to school. I don't listen to much music. My goal this week is to be able to walk all the way to school silently, with no distractions, and not be afraid of what goes on in my head.
I can never tell what, precisely, is going to send me reeling. I keep seeing pictures or images or hearing specific sounds that send me into a tailspin of emotion. Usually rage. It makes me wish I were in the grocery store so I could sit in the beer/chips aisle and cry. No one ever bothers you there.
I am applying to be a lighthouse keeper in Michigan this summer. Just for a fortnight. it's something I always envisioned doing when I was old. But why not now, right? I need light. Literal light. And all the other kinds too.