27 November, 2008

Funny Stories from my old journal

To distract myself from the fact that my phone is on the fritz and I can't seem to fix it for the life of me ... and that my roomies and I are going to a sale at one in the morning, making any attempt at sleep a pointless endeavor, I am now going to write in my blog. Again. Instead of, you know, doing homework or something like that. I was bored recently and reading over my old journal, and found some pretty funny shiz. So I thought I'd share. Here you go.

Saturday, 20 September 2003
"Anti-ode to an ice cream machine

Oh ice cream machine, thou art as foul and cruel as the most devilsh demons of the infernal pit!
I would never enter in unto thy odious presence, yet thou callest to me with the most irresistable and delicious flavors.
Ice cream candy bars, you are not necessary for my survival, yet the ice cream machine holds you tauntingly before my face.
Ice cream machine, why do you choose me as your victim?
Why not that skinny blond girl on the third floor with an annoyingly vacant expression?
Though I will never fully comprehend your powers, you remain the bane of my existence and my diet.
Because of you I shall gain an extra 310 calories per day, leading to my romantic ruin.
Ice cream machine, I am forced to descend to the ill-lit basement to heed your ceaseless calling.
How I abhor you and your scrumptious sinful selection.
Oh ice cream machine, thou art as foul and cruel as the most devilsh demons of the infernal pit!"

Thursday, 6 November, 2003.
"So in my English 195 class, there's like 100 people, right? And since the class is "Introduction to the English Major" it's sort of like a really lecture-based career exploration class, and it's kind of a waste of my time. Our only assignments are papers, one a week, each about the lecture from the previous week. And they're graded on completion only, so let's just say mine have been a little ... reluctant. OK, sarcastic. Very sarcastic. Also short. 13 point font. So today I get my paper from this week back, and there's a note from the TA that says "Please see me after class." And I'm thinking, "Oh, flippin Alabama, he's gonna tell me that my papers are sub-par and obnoxious, and I'm gonna fail or have to do them all over. Crap in a fireplace." So after class I approach this guy all reluctantly, and immediately start apologizing for the low quality level of my papers. And he says: "Actually, I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your papers. They make me laugh so much. You really have a gift, and I'd like to see you pursue it. You are an excellent writer." And then I said "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... thanks." And I booked it out of there with a goldfish-esque expression on my face. Man."

An addendum to this story is that the TA emailed me a few weeks later and asked me on a date. I was only 18 and he was a lot older than me ... or maybe he just felt a lot older ... either way, it freaked me out when he did that, and I totally blew him off. To this day, I find it funny that he developed a crush on me via my sardonic homework assignments. What a trip.

Monday, 5 July 2004

"The theme of the day is "Accidents." I will start with the least distressing one: today as I saw leaving the gym, the person at the desk told me to "Have a nice night." I responded "Thanks" but I forgot to add "You too." It's strange, the insignificant things that make me feel really, really gulty. I feel rude when I do things like that. Anyway.
Accident the second: Today the Tananator employed myself and the Cori to transport a free goat from this area of the middle of nowhere (Snohomish) to her new house in Bothell. The purpose of this goat is to offer companionship to the mule that she (Tana) has also purchased. God only knows why anyone needs a mule. Anyway. So we put this goat, whose name is Ginger, into the back seat of the van and drive her back to Bothell.

Ginger: *sniff sniff sniff*
Cori and Elisa: awwww... *scratch behind her ears, etc*
Ginger:*makes a sound like gumballs coming out of a gumball machine*
Elisa: *looks down* Aughhhh!
Tana: What is it?
Elisa: Your goat crapped on me!
Elisa: It's all up in the cuffs of my jeans!


Cori: That was SO FUNNY.
Elisa: Shut up. I hope she pees on you.
Cori: That would be worse.
Ginger: *makes sound like when you squirt a juice box at someone*
Cori: Aughhhhhhhhhhhh!

I love that goat.

The final accident: I went to Walmart. This was a mistake because I spent money. Spending money is bad."

Tuesday, 2 November 2004
"BARACK OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you weren't married to that gorgeous woman I would totally have your babies!!!!!"

I really have been a Barack Obama fan for a while. Longer than you. Although the above entry is not the most well-rehearsed argument as to why, it gets the point across pretty effectively.

Thursday, 9 June 2005
"Cori comes in 2 hours. In the meantime, the wait is going to kill me.
Lucky, my neighbor's dog, was outside today with no water. What the cruelty to animals? It's like 80 degrees out. I took matters into my own hands and left him a tupperware full of water. When he's done with the tupperware, he can chew on it.
Today there was a big scary bug inside, and I took him in a cup and left him outside.
I think I'm a closeted Buddhist.
I'm generally pretty anti-doo-rag (or is it do-rag?) but yesterday the love of my life was wearing one while he was showing me how to jump a car. I'm a suck suck suck suck sucker.
He likes dogs too."

See below for part two of this story.

Sunday, 12 June 2005

"I am not sure if I can articulate the DISASTROUS goings-on that encapsulated today, but I will venture.
This morning, Cori and I slept in until about 11 on the couch in our collective living room, seeing as we had two beds in our basement bedroom, but only one mattress. This morning my father (who is visiting) and our family friend Bryon arrived to drop off a rejected mattress at our apartment. He called just as Bryon's Suburban pulled into our driveway, and we answered clad in sweatpants and sweatshirts, hair ascance. Which of course is no big deal among family or (older, married) friends. However, when I went upstairs to get my running shoes to show Bryon (he designs orthotics) our doorbell rang. I answered it, and who should it be but Clark (heretofore known as "Mark," but I tire of pseudonyms) whom, as regular readers know, I have a mad crush on. Cringing inwardly, but not wanting to turn him away, I let him inside, and took him downstairs to meet the rest of the gang, Becca included. My father did not look even remotely surprised enough to meet the guy I had been talking about all weekend, which ought to have tipped me off right there. Clark and my father got along famously, or at the very least Clark is an excellent actor, and he left after helping my father give Cori a blessing. Later, when I was speaking to my father privately, he revealed, to my dismay, that he had GONE OVER TO A COMPLETE STRANGER'S HOUSE AND ASKED HIM TO COME OVER. He somehow figured out which apartment he lived in, and I suppose the fact that he had never met Clark did nothing to dissuade him. This, to a guy I have a crush on. I used to live in morbid fear that my father would one day, do something that would really, really embarrass me. My fear left me far, far too late.
Did I mention that when he was over I also had acne medication on my face? I didn't notice that until later.
Embarrassing moment the second: today I sat on a chair in our kitchen and broke it, Goldilocks-style. I felt very fat. Really, though, the chair was missing an important engineering piece, but it still sucked. Cori, naturally, thought it was right sportive."

I am pretty sure this event is the reason why Clark is now married to someone else.

Tuesday, 28 June 2005
"When I run, I don't listen to music or anything like that, I just let my mind wander and think about random things. Today, for some reason, I was thinking about the game "Two Truths and a Lie" and how I have such great material for that game, but I can never think of good ones when the time comes to play that game. Thus, I will now proceed to make a list of amazing but true things about me, for future reference. In no particular order:

1. My mom was a nun. (Always a classic)
2. My dad was Hindu and lived in an ashram in India.
3. My parents met in prison.
4. I shook hands with Howard Dean.
5. I dressed up as a Sprite can to promote recyciling on BYU campus. (That one isn't actually that good, but it is true)
6. I had not tried steak until I was 18 years old.
7. I had not been to Utah until I was 18 years old. (That would be a good one to use *in* Utah)
8. I have been to Jimi Hendrix's grave.
9. I saw Jesse Jackson speak at a Democratic rally on UW campus.
10. I run 36+ miles a week.
11. I placed second in a university-wide poetry contest my freshman year.
12. I have been to a Bob Dylan concert.
13. I have been to a Neil Young concert. (Ah, hippie parents ... )
14. My car is older than I am.
15. I have been to Sweden.
16. I performed in the Seattle Fringe Theatre Festival.
17. I went to Tokyo Disneyland before I went to the American one.
18. I have been to the original IKEA in Sweden.
19. I have been to the Pippi Longstocking theme park in Sweden.
20. I have seen all the Harry Potter movies on opening day.
21. I have held a three-day old baby that was not related to me.
22. I sang with Pete Seeger in the Seattle Folklife Festival.
23. I have been in several anti-war protests.
24. I once fell off a 25-foot cliff and didn't die.
25. I have never been stung by a bee.
26. My Dad sued Sir Mix-A-Lot.
27. I spoke at my high school graduation."

10, 14, 20 and 25 are no longer true. The rest still stand.

Well, that was fun. I'm going to go to that sale now.


Ashley said...

I think you can still get away with saying that you've seen all the Harry Potter movies *possible* on opening day...


L'homme Masqued said...

Wait, your dad sued Sir Mix-a-lot? That is awesome! For what?