30 July, 2008

WOE, Woe, woe

So once upon a time there was this boy I really liked, and we were very close and I kinda wanted to marry him. Then we didn't get married, yet remained friends. Yesterday this boy informed me (and this was the classy thing to do, in my opinion) that he is engaged. He has only known the girl for a few months.

Describing how I feel about this is pointless because you can probably guess anyway. I am very SURPRISED that things are happening so suddenly. I am HAPPY for him because he is my friend, but I am SAD that he told me so many times that he had no interest in getting married, when clearly what he meant to say is that he had no interest in marrying me. I am JEALOUS not so much of the girl he is marrying, but just of the fact that another friend is getting married and leaving me behind. I am also a little ANGRY at Providence for being so ironic, for it really does seem that the best thing to do in order to get married is to have no desire to get married.

Anyway, you would think that going to the temple would make me feel better, right? Being in the Lord's house, a place of comfort and serenity, yada yada. However, possibly because I am so wicked, this was not at all the case. Because the temple belongs to the Lord, but all its primary shareholders are couples who are maddeningly, sickeningly in love.

I was in charge of seating people in the chapel tonight. Every few minutes, a couple would walk in holding hands, gazing at each other. My, isn't it grand to be in love, they said to me with their body language. We are our own happy little world of love. It made me sick.

Then, every so often, a handsome young man would walk in alone. Every so often a lovely young woman, but we all know women take longer to get dressed so it was usually a man. He would sit down alone for a few moments, and then a young woman would walk in. His little face would light up. They would join the Zombies of the Living in Love people.

I love to watch couples, normally. Pairs are a fascinating part of nature, and it usually does me good to see how many unremarkable people find true love. But tonight it made me angry. Why do so many unremarkable people find love whereas I, who am considered legitimately remarkable by some, have yet to do so? It's not fair. And then Satan came into my head (I know! At the temple, no less! How does he do that? He sucks.)

Satan (who looked a lot like Elizabeth Hurley in tonight's manifestation): You go home every night and drink your chocolate soy milk and write in your little blog. And you go to bed and wonder why you are alone and no one loves you. And you cry.
Me: Not every night ...

And so I cried in the temple. Well, teared up. It's a good thing I didn't full-out cry, because when I really get going I have an asthma attack, and that's just embarrassing. But I have never felt so alone in a room full of people in my entire life. And I have had a lot of opportunities in my life to feel that way.

The thing is, I'm not picky. Really I'm not. I think I could make it work with almost anyone. I don't even want romance. Romance is for sissies who are offended by X-Men. What I want is companionship. Loyalty. Someone to go grocery shopping with. And for someone's face to light up when I walk in the room. That's not too much to ask, is it?

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Andy Warhol Art of the Day