23 July, 2008

Why I am a Super Hero

The reasons have just been piling up.

1. I can read people's minds. It might be more an "emotionally endothermic" sort of thing (if you understand what I mean by that, I love you) but I can always tell when people are upset or irritated or excited.

2. I have several comic book-esque physical limitations that make me approachable. You know what I'm talking about? With Daredevil, he's blind; Superman is allergic to kryptonite; Batman has a bat phobia (chiroptophobia if you will) ... every hero has a clear weakness. Mine include: being blind in one eye; my heart skipping when I cry (no, really, I have respiratory arrhythmia) and a phobia of fire, rejection and jumping from high places (Arsonphobia, Kakorrhaphiophobia and Catapedaphobia, respectively)

If you want to know where I found those words, check this out. Wowee!

3. I am gifted at deception. My face is totally straight when it needs to be. This one time I was in a Walgreens trying to find clear mascara, so I asked the young saleclerk to help me. She knew they carried it but couldn't figure out where it was. She kept looking and looking and apologizing and apologizing, until I said, "It's OK. I'm from corporate. This was a test." I didn't expect her to believe me, but she almost burst in to tears. Whoops.

If this makes me seem arbitrarily mean, I should add that she said "only old ladies wear clear mascara." Yeah?!?

4. Today at work I dropped a ceramic bowl on my knee and it shattered. A very thick, hard ceramic bowl. Never fear! It is I, Knees of Steel!

5. I drop lines like "it is I" and "never fear" in casual conversation.

6. My hair looks excellent in the wind.

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